I like to try to do family pictures once a year. Last year we did them at the beach. We found the perfect spot, got out of the van, and within minutes we were all sneezing, coughing, our eyes were watering, and our throats burned like fire. By the time we were done, we ran to the van and grabbed water bottles as fast as we could. We all drank and drank and drank and blew our noses and wiped our watery eyes. It literally felt like I had the flu. Come to find out we were experiencing a phenomenon that happens in the ocean from time to time called Red Tide. You should look it up – its pretty interesting and pretty miserable as well. So this year I decided to stay away from the ocean…last year sort of messed me up – it might be our only family photo shoot on the beach.

This evening we ventured a quarter of a mile from our house to a new place we found that we think is pretty awesome. We had a good time and I tried really hard to be patient with Camden because well he is a boy and a photo shoot is the last thing he wants to do at a place like this. I wondered if maybe we might have our baby with us next year when it comes time to do this again. That is VERY hopeful thinking, but I can’t help it! You know that part on the movie The Blind Side when the uncle calls and leaves a message on the answering machine to inform the Tuohy’s that there is a big black boy standing behind them in their Christmas picture. I LOVE that part!!!  Hilarious!!  Well I’m hoping for a little black baby in my arms for our next Christmas picture. I feel pretty positive we will have a boy. More couples request a girl and since we do not have a preference I just feel like it will probably be a boy. I have started calling him by name the past few days: “Logan“.

Back to pictures: Here they are!! 

Camden: I’m still adjusting to his missing teeth and to the fact that he is getting smarter than me in some areas already. He has his Daddy’s brain. He might never read Voltaire but for, you know, all the important real-life things – he’s got it! His wife is going to be a lucky lady even though I know if she’s like me she will think, “Will it really kill you to open up a book?” 

 

                

Hope: My goodness this girl makes me laugh. We made chocolate chip cookies the other day, and she told me, “Make mine dummy!” It took awhile but I finally figured out that she meant doughy. I have stories like this every day. She is a blast!

 

Me: I have learned some things about myself the past few weeks, and one of the things that I learned is that I am too hard on those I love. I love them, but I especially love them if they behave the way I want them to. That is not how God loves me, thank goodness! Its a part of my heart that I am praying God will invade.

 

Blake: This man keeps getting better and better looking. For REALLLLL!!!!!  I love how he keeps my drama to a minimum. He is teaching me less is more and don’t give out more information than needed. And in return I have been encouraging him to open up to at least three people just a little bit more than he is comfortable with. Of those three people one of them is me. And I really love that.

 

Us: I took his shirt out of the dryer yesterday and shook out the wrinkles, when I did I smelled him, a little leftover cologne and just him… I pulled it up to my face and just smelled it. You know how people talk about doing that when someone dies. I thought about that as I stood there in my laundry room with my face hidden in his shirt and I just had this overwhelming desire to never take a  moment with him for granted. He makes my life so, so HAWT!!!!!

Siblings: Blake and I were talking this morning about the importance of sibling relationships. We were talking about how we have no contact with anyone we went to elementary school with yet our siblings are still part of our lives – we spend every holiday together, every wedding, every funeral. We’re sort of stuck for life, you know?  I am so glad that our two are close. Even though they fight like a cat and a dog half of the time, there is no doubt every night, when they beg to sleep in the same room, and we hear them giggling and talking, way past when they should be asleep, that they really do love each other.

 

 

Parenthood: I love the unique relationships we have with each of our kids. I pray that our children, no matter what comes up in their life, will be able to find the advice and wisdom they need from at least one of us. I hope that we always laugh together, play together, dream together, and seek God together.

 

     

 

 

Family: It is God who arms us with strength and makes our way perfect. He makes our feet like the feet of a deer; he enables us to stand on the heights.  (Psalms 18:33&34)

I went to a Women of Faith Conference last week. Three of the five speakers talked about things that have happened in their lives that were absolutely devastating. They talked about their feelings of grief and hopelessness, but for all three of them, God showed up and proved Himself compassionate and faithful. One of the ladies said that she knew without a doubt that God had been on the floor crying with her catching every tear she shed and keeping it in a bottle. (Ps. 56:8) Their testimonies were heart wrenching, yet beautiful. I came away from the weekend a little apprehensive, however. I knew that chances are high that I will eventually have my own heart wrenching story. Although I know that God will prove Himself faithful to me, as well, I would rather Him prove Himself by never letting anything devastating ever happen to me.

Last night I was watching a tv show. There was a lady on the show who was having a hard time in her relationship. She couldn’t bring herself to fully love because she was afraid that her guy would eventually break her heart. At the end of the show the guy made her look him in the eye and he told her two times very slowly and meaningfully, “I  will  not  hurt  you.” Then he made her say out loud to him, “You  will  not  hurt  me.” He said it one more time to her after that, “I   will   not   hurt  you.” 

I felt that warm feeling come over my heart as I heard God whisper to me…

“That is what I say to you,

‘I will not hurt you’

 I felt that I came to the brink of a revelation in that moment. A revelation that might take awhile to fully grasp. This is it: I somehow must separate what “happens” to me from God. If I let bad things that happen define God’s goodness, I will never really trust Him. I will fear Him and resent Him just a little or a lot. But if I can put my faith in the fact that God loves me totally and completely and will never, ever hurt me, I can trust that I have the God of the Universe and the Perfect Lover always, always, always on my side no matter what is in my future. I still have some searching to do, but I will willingly search because I think its something that I need to grab a hold of to the best of my ability.

My Dear Heavenly Father, even though I do not completely understand, I believe –

You will not hurt me.

  Camden has one of those battery operated four wheelers. He is too old for it. It goes waaayyyy too slow for Mr. Speed. The battery doesn’t work either so actually it doesn’t move at all. We told him several months ago that he could sell it and keep the money. Well then we decided to adopt, and then we decided to have a fund-raising garage sale. We told Camden that it was up to him. He could keep the 4 wheeler money or donate it for the adoption if it was sold. We were absolutely okay with whatever decision he made. He immediately said, “I want to keep it.” The second part of this story is that he received a $30 gift card from his Grammy for his birthday in August. Almost immediately, he lost it. We have all looked everywhere, and it is like it just disappeared. He was not a happy boy! Well on Friday I was our in the garage pricing items and he came out and said, “Mommy, if I make more than $20 on my 4 wheeler, I want to give the rest of the money for the adoption.” I told him that was fine. A few minutes later he got into Blake’s car to head to soccer practice. On the floor board of the car was his Bible. He picked it up, opened it, and there was his $30 gift card!! Two months later, in his Bible, right after he made the decision to share his money for the adoption. We talked to him about how we didn’t believe for a second that the timing was just a coincidence.

 

  We made $625.00 at our garage sale. I was hoping for at least $500.00 so I was happy. On Sunday morning I woke up feeling a little less positive. I thought about $625 compared to the $30,000 we still needed. I wondered what we were going to do this week when we needed to turn our home study in with a $3125 check. On the way to church I started thinking about our savings account. There is not much left after the down payment and closing costs from our house which we bought in June. Blake and I had already decided that we were not going to use our savings for the adoption. We would need it if one of our vehicles, which both have over 100,000 miles, had to be replaced. However, driving to church, I felt God nudging me about our savings. We can’t use that. Its for a car. I heard God ask me, “So your security is in your savings account?” “No, we are just using wisdom,” I replied. God asked me again, “So your security is in your savings account?”
 
    At church I met Erika. Erika was in town with her family visiting her parents. She had her daughter, newly adopted from China, in her arms. She talked to me with tears in her eyes about the faithfulness of God. She said, “Just wait and see! You will have a baby that fits just perfect in your family! Its absolutely amazing!” I spent the whole first praise song unable to sing because of the tears that clogged my throat. Nothing could have blessed me more than her words, her testimony, seeing her beautiful, adopted baby girl. This was God’s plan for us. I felt it, again, burning in my heart stronger than any obstacle standing in our way.

 

The sermon was about moving forward even when circumstances make you want to turn back. As I stood in the front during the altar call along with most of the church,  Pastor Richard said these words, “Trust God with your future, with your life, with your….transportation.” TransporWHAT??!!  Did I REALLY just hear him say that? At lunch, I asked Blake about that part..the transportation. Blake said, “Yes, I heard that and I thought to myself, “That was random.” So I proceeded to tell him about my conversation with the Lord. So this week we took out half of our meager savings and we sent it off to our social worker. In doing so, we are declaring that, “God Most High is our security.” Sometimes He asks us to do things that do not seem wise. We obey for the purpose of showing Him our heart, and in faith that He will show us His in return.

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! Psalms 27:13&14
  

 

                                  
God is our refuge and help. Our ever present help in trouble.

           

       
Therefore we will not fear if the earth gives way or the mountains fall into the heart of the sea…

                              
      
  
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.

                             

God is within her; she will not fall. God will help her at break of day.

                           

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

          

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

                        

Come and see the works of the Lord….

                        

Be still and know that I am God;

        

I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth.

                              

Clap your hands, all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy.

        

How awesome is the Lord Most High, the great King over all the earth.

                       

He chose our inheritance for us.

                        

God reigns over the nations; God is seated on his holy throne.

                        


Like your name, O God, your praise reaches to the end of the earth;

           

Your right hand is filled with righteousness.

                               

For this God is our God forever and ever!!

                              

He will be our guide even to the end.

                             

Scriptures found in Psalms 46 -48

I do not cry very often. I usually just get mad when I am upset, but today I had a good, long, hard cry. The past four weeks have been difficult. Even if we were to bring home our baby tomorrow, I would say that this has been difficult. And we still have a long way ahead of us. A long, long way.

As I was crying today and Blake was trying to figure out what to do with me, I hicupped and wailed to him all the reasons that I thought I couldn’t handle it anymore. The paper work, the raising funds, constantly trying to explain our reasoning to people, it all became just too much for me.

God does this to me… actually I see it all through the Bible so I guess its just His way…  He gives a person a calling, a “mission.” They work through all the reasons they DON’T want to accept it until they finally surrender. Then God does something time after time after time. He makes His dream their dream. Before you even realize it, that thing that seemed so hard to say yes to, becomes a passion, a true, with all of your heart, desire. And then…..once you’re heart is all wrapped around it and you’ve given your body, mind, strength and emotions to going after it, He begins letting/allowing road blocks to come against you. Today our pastor told us that when God begins to do something in us, it is never just about one thing. He wants to totally invade the secret places of our heart and do some major character building. I remember hearing a lady speak one time about how we cannot handle the work God has called us to without first going through some major strengthening. Leavening is what our pastor calls it. I know that is what He is doing. But its not fun. As I laid face down bawling my eyes out on my couch today, I could feel God near me. I didn’t feel Him invade me with peace. It was like He was in a chair across the room just watching me…listening to me. I wanted Him to make me feel all better, to make everything all better and easy. He wanted me to get stronger. He wanted me to use my faith to say, “You know what? I’m going to have a good cry and then I am going to pick myself off this couch and keep going.” Not because I feel good inside. Not because I think tomorrow everything will be easier. Not because I have to show everyone that I have it all together. But because He is watching me. He is listening to me. And I want to keep going for Him. Because I love Him. I love Him so much. Even when He doesn’t make things easier for me. Even when He doesn’t baby me. I know past all my emotions and tiredness, that He has my best interest in mind. I know that I will look back and see that these are the days that my strength, faith, endurance, and love for my God grew in a tremendous way.

We took the youth to a Christian youth rally at one of the high schools tonight. On the way I said, “God, I know this is going to be all about taking your school for the Lord, but I could really use something, even one little thing, for me.” When we got up to the bleachers and sat down I looked out at the track and saw a worship team setting up. There were four of them and one of them was black.  Now you have to know in our city there are very few black people. In fact, I just looked up the racial population for our city and for African American the percent is 0. The band started playing and the black guy was the drummer. As I sat and watched his intense and happy face as he played the drums and heard the band as they sang, “He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves us…” I heard God whisper that the drummer was my encouragement from Him. One day we WILL have our own dark skinned child worshiping God with all of their heart and we will realize we were blessed by him far more than our plan to bless an orphan from Ethiopia.

                         

      
       

  
     Blake and I have been doing a lot of listening for God. We are in daily need of/desire for His thoughts. There is nothing better than needing a word from the Lord, hearing from the Lord, and then hearing your husband tell you what He heard from the Lord and it being the same thing. We started doing that when we were dating. Praying about something specific and then talking about what we each felt the Lord say to us. Its safer than kissing.

  Last night I asked Blake, “What has He been saying to you today.” Blake said, “To fight for this (adoption/finances) in the spiritual realm, and to live our lives above reproach.” I had that “live lives above reproach” thing on my mind as I awoke this morning. I read the latest post of my very favorite blog: resolved2worship.xanga.com. The post was partially about hypocrisy. She said that the best way to live a life free of hypocrisy is to fall in love with Jesus. I grabbed on to that with both hands and asked God to stuff it down into my heart. No matter how hard I try, I am going to say things, do things, respond in ways that mess up my testimony. I will let anger show, or try to scramble and defend myself when God so clearly tells me…that is His job. I will let circumstances steal my joy and drain me of energy. I will get my priorities messed up. There is no way I can work hard enough to truly represent Jesus the way that I would like. But gratefully..as in so grateful my eyes fill up with tears….God doesn’t ask me to perform for Him. He asks me to love Him. To be His bride. To enjoy His company. To cry with Him. To be completely open with Him.

“When I found the one I love.
      I held him and would not let him go,” Song of Solomon 3:4

           

Application and PaperChase – $7,000

Application Fee $250

1^st Program Fee $1125

Home Study $4500

Hague Training $175

Documents/Background Checks/Passports/Stamps for support letter $460

USCIS Fee, Updating, and Fingerprinting Fee $830

Notarization, Certification, and Authentication $360

 

Dossier Submission and Waiting $7200

Courier Service $150

2^nd Program Fee $1500

Post Adoption Report Deposit $1000

Dossier Service and Translation $800

1^st International Program Fee $3750

 

Referral and Travel – $19,000

 International Specialist Consultation $380

3^rd Program Fee $1125

2^nd International Program Fee $3750

Airfare, Visas, Travel Package Trip 1 $6375

Airfare, Visas (child too) and Travel Package Trip 2 $7370

 

Post-Adoption $2400- $1000 deposit = $1400

 Social Worker Visit Fees $500

Adminitstrative Fee $400

Re-Adoption $750

Other Expenses (medical and documents child needs) $750

 (Re-imbursed $1000 deposit by end of the year)

 

TOTAL – $34,600.00

So there it is. When we said yes to God and started this process, we knew that God was going to have to provide the finances. We don’t have it. We REALLY don’t have it. Our plan was to send out 200 support letters, design and sale our own adoption t-shirts, have a couple of fund raising dinners and garage sales and apply for grants. I felt confident and full of faith.

Yesterday my faith met a bit of a roadblock. We sent out 88 support letters 13 days ago. We hoped this would bring in around $6,000 to get us started. We have to get the home-study process done to apply for grants and we want to save our fund raising ideas for the second and third set of expenses. Well so far we have gotten no support back from our 88 letters. Blake says these things take time; that we need to give people time. I think if people haven’t responded by now, then they’ve probably said, “Why are they doing this if they can’t afford it, and threw it in the trash.” Yes, there is a pessimist and an optimist in our marriage. Yesterday I had a very challenging day trying to get our health inspection set up. It took me hours and I still wasn’t successful. As I was driving all over Cameron County I kept thinking that it was possible that I was doing all this work for nothing. That we would never have the money to go on to the next step, much less bring a baby home. I was frustrated, sad, and a little angry. I felt the presence of God withdrawing from my heart. I know that sounds weird, but for those that walk with God on a daily basis you know what I mean. You just feel His peace and presence lift off and you know you’ve crossed a line.  At one point I told God, “You know what? I don’t have to do this. I’m doing this because YOU wanted us to. If you aren’t going to provide, well let me know so I can stop wasting my time.” My best guess would be that was when I crossed the line.

This morning I woke up and felt God close. His mercies are new every morning. I can testify of that today. I opened up the Bible to Psalms 108 and read the first verse. “My soul is steadfast, O God;” And I was convicted. My soul had not been steadfast the day before. I repented. Then in verse 6 I read:

“Save us and help us with your right hand,
       that those you love may be delivered.”

This is the verse I will cling to. This is the verse that I will strive to remain steadfast in believing. I already love my baby from Ethiopia, but God loves him or her more.

Before I closed my Bible I glanced at the next chapter and my eyes found this verse.

“Let them know that it is your hand,
       that you, O LORD, have done it.”

If I have learned anything over the past few years it is that God likes to do things HIS way. He wants me to know that it is HE that brings about HIS purpose. I am just a vessel.

Today I was talking with my friend Becca and she brought up the verse, “If you love Me you will obey my commands.” She said that as she was meditating on that verse, the thought came to her that to love and to obey is the same thing. That ministered to me. We are not on this journey just because we are obeying, or because it has now become our dream as well. Its because we LOVE God. He has been so faithful and so good to us. He gave everything for me. He chose me. He comforts me. He desires me. He has forgiven me. He has ADOPTED me. This is the reason we started this journey. It is out of our love for Him. I believe that if I remember that my heart will stay steadfast no matter how the circumstances around me appear. I have been saying over the past two weeks as we work on all this paperwork that our baby will be worth it all. But today I changed my mindset a little. I reminded my straying soul that no matter what, HE IS WORTH IT ALL!!!

This whole adoption process is interrupting my sleep a little. I have been waking up at 4AM a lot of mornings with paperwork on my brain. I will work on it until its time for everyone to get up. Today after Camden’s soccer game, the grocery store, and making lunch, I laid on the couch and was asleep in minutes. When I woke up the radio was on. I laid there listening to the song that was on and prayed, “God I pray that the next song would be from You for me.”

This was the next song….

Adopting from Ethiopia is not the first decision that Blake and I have made that has caused those who know us to scratch their heads and worry about our sanity. And it probably won’t be the last. But you know that is just God. If you stop and consider the men and women in the Bible who are heroes in the faith you will see that there is not a one of them that did not feel lead to make a decision that in the natural seemed  absurd. He likes to calls us to things that only He can accomplish. That is what has been in my heart the past couple of weeks. You know, if I’m going to do something for God, I want it to be bigger than me. I want to give God free reign to perform miracles in us, through us, and for us. It IS like dancing in the minefield and sailing in the storm sometimes. Its risky and dangerous….but all I know is that I want to keep on dancing, keep on sailing. And I am still “love-sick, silly girl” happy that I got paired with Blake.

 
I thought I was a weak person. I am not sure when I decided that about myself but it was years and years ago. I felt I was weak because I do not ride roller coasters. I can’t jog for more than half a mile. I can’t watch suspenseful movies without closing my eyes and plugging my ears. And I am not a tom boy by any stretch of the imagination, in fact…..well I can’t even mow the grass. I tried one time. It was a riding lawn mower. My husband stood on the patio with his hands on his hips and watched me wrestle with the cumbersome wheel and make a couple or awkward rounds around the yard. He waved me down, reached across and idled the rumbly machine, and said, “Get off, you’re too pretty to mow the yard.” I gratefully agreed and stood on the patio and watched him mow circles. And pondered his hotness.

 God has been showing me the past two weeks that I need to change my mind about myself. He has made me strong. Of course I knew that “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.” But I imagined that to be a once in awhile step-in when desperately needed thing God was offering. I didn’t recognize it as ongoing, day to day, redeemed and called His own – His strength is mine through the Holy Spirit thing God has offered.

Our pastor preached this week that what we believe effects what we think. What we think effects how we behave. And how we behave effects our character. And our character effects our destiny. So I have to step back and ask myself, “If I believe I am weak how will that ultimately effect my destiny?”

“And if I believe I am strong instead of believing that I am weak what potential will that have to effect my destiny?”

I am awake early this morning. I woke up at 4AM. I had been dreaming about us…Blake and I. He was a captain of a large ship confident and handsome and I was beautiful and intelligent and cunning. My mission was two fold to woo him and to add my wisdom to his own so that running the ship would be effective and efficient. I listen to him breathing deeply as he sleeps beside me and thank God for giving me the opportunity to fulfill those things in reality. Wooing him and adding my wisdom to his. I love that God loves romance. I love that romance lasts. I love that loving a person is addicting. That when you share your soul: body, mind, and emotion with someone else that it ties you to that person from a depth of yourself that you didn’t even know existed. I love that God reminded me through a dream that life is an adventure worth giving your best and being your best.

                                
                                

I am an open person. I will tell anyone just about anything.
Blake is private.
I am emotional. I get very, very excited and happy and full of passion.
Blake is on this level piece of land that I couldn’t even find if I wanted to, much less stand and stay on it.

I found myself frustrated with him earlier today. I want to spend hours a day talking about this adoption process. I want to have deep conversations about Africa, poverty, orphans, and living radically for Christ. And sometimes (most of the time) its been like talking to a brick wall.

Then today I listened to concerns someone shared about the color of skin that our child will have.  My mommy claws came out. This is my baby you are talking about.

I feel pregnant. I do not know this baby yet. More than likely he or she has not even been born. But I already feel a mommy’s love. That baby is being created by God to be apart of our family. We will raise this baby. We will walk him/her through joy and grief throughout his/her life. He/She is already apart of me because God placed a love for that child inside of me when I was in my mother’s womb. I know it because I feel it and because I am acting on it.  And that’s what love is right? Its a feeling, but even more so…it is action.

Did I doubt our decision? Not a chance! But my heart was heavy. I heard the Lord speak to me. He said, “I have bestowed on you an honor. You should feel honored that I have called you to this.” I agreed with Him that I am indeed honored, but it was going to take awhile for the truth to cover over the emotions of anger and hurt. An hour later I was in Blake’s office telling him all about it. I looked him in the eye and said, “You are in this 100% right?” And without missing a beat he said, “150 Thousand Percent.” And I could clearly see it. Everything that I had just told him didn’t change one thing in his mind OR his heart. He is steady. “God is working on them,” he said. “It doesn’t effect how we should act OR feel one bit.” And in that second I was overwhelmingly grateful for my level-headed husband. He might not sit around talking for hours about his feelings through this process, but I can count on him to never be swayed. No matter whether I’m having a happy day or a discouraging day I KNOW he is 150 thousand percent in this. And for this, as well, I feel very, very honored.