We received our home study rough draft this past Tuesday. Very, very exciting. In the last couple of weeks, we have had a change in medical insurance so that has to be noted on our home study and to be able to do that we have to have insurance cards, and they still haven’t come in. I am a tad on the antsy side….  As soon as the home study is complete we can go on to our LAST STEP!!!  Woohooo!!! 

God has been so good about confirming Himself and His will for us over and over and over. Two Saturday nights ago I was getting ready to go to bed. I felt blah. My stomach hurt, my face was breaking out like crazy, I was tired. The kids were sleeping in our room that night so as I tiptoed from the bathroom to my bed my eyes rested on my Bible on the nightstand. If I turned on a light the kids would awake. I was too tired to go into another room. But I was truly hungry for the Word. I picked up my Bible and edged over to the closet that was cracked open to allow a “night light” for the kids. In the dim light I asked God specifically for nourishment as I just let the Bible fall open. It fell open to Job and my first thought was, “not gonna be nourishing…” But then I began at the first verse on the page…

 ”the voices of the nobles were hushed, and their tongues stuck to the roof of their mouths,  Whoever heard me spoke well of me, and those who saw me commended me, because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him. The man who was dying blessed me, I made the widow’s heart sing. I put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban, I was eyes to the blind and feet to the lame. I was a father to the needy.” (29:10-16)

I sat minutes later and asked the Lord, “Why are You so gracious to me; to always encourage me and confirm Yourself over and over and over?” And I felt like He said to me, “If you keep moving forward, I will keep confirming myself.” We trust and step out and He will always meet us. He is so real. He is so intimate.

Tonight I have been grumpy. I longed again for His Word because I knew I needed an attitude adjustment. I am a little embarrassed to admit I let the Bible fall open again. And again it opened to Job (my Bible must be weighted somehow in the book of Job) and read:

“If I have denied justice to my menservants and maidservants when they had a grievance against me, what will I do when God confronts me? What will I answer when called to account? Did not he who made me in the womb make them? Did not the same one form us both within our mothers? If I have denied the desires of the poor or let the eyes of the widow grow weary, if I have kept my bread to myself, not sharing it with the fatherless- but from my youth I reared him as would a father, and from my birth I guided the widow-if I have seen anyone perishing for lack of clothing, or a needy man without a garment and his heart did not bless me for warming him with the fleece from my sheep, if I have raised my hand against the fatherless, knowing that I have influence in court, then let my arm fall from the shoulder, let it be broken off at the joint. For I dreaded destruction from God, and for fear of his splendor I could not do such things. If I have put my trust in gold or said to pure gold, “You are my security,” if I have rejoiced over my great wealth, the fortune my hands had gained, if I have regarded the sun in its radiance or the moon moving in splendor, so that my heart was secretly enticed and my hand offered them a kiss of homage, then these also would be sins to be judged, for I would have been unfaithful to God on high.” (31:13-28)

God loves the poor. God loves the widow. God loves the fatherless. As His church we are all called to do something. We are all in His army. We are His body. What is God calling YOU to do? What HAS He called you to do? Move forward – even if the journey looks impossible from the start. As you move, He will confirm Himself to you.

He will become your hunger.

So I’ve said here on my blog that we had our name picked out if we get a boy, but I looked up the meaning today, and now I’m unsure. The name is Logan. I have liked that name since I was a little girl. Today I read that the name means “hollow.” Hollow means empty inside. That is kind of sad isn’t it?   So we talked about boy names today. Camden and I like Luke (and so does my dad). It means “light”. That’s pretty awesome. But Blake doesn’t like it. I think he things Star Wars when he hears it. Hope likes Jackson. I like that name ok – sort of makes you think of Michael Jackson though (not a fan). I looked up the meaning: Jack’s son. Unless his Ethiopian father is named Jack – that just doesn’t do anything for me. We thought about how our names start with B,C,D, and H – so Blake said what about a name that starts with an E. I said, “Ethan?” Blake said he really liked Ethan. We looked it up. It means “strong’” Very cool. But it is the second most popular name in the US right now. That is a downside to me. But we’ll keep it on the list. So does any of my readers that never comment (I’m believing you’re out there) have any suggestions?

Something “wow” we discovered today. When we thought of Camden’s name when we were pregnant with him, I looked up the meaning and it was just kind of blah. Not bad, not good. But then I borrowed a book that gave the spiritual connotation of names. It took the meanings of names and gave them a spiritual twist. For Camden the spiritual connotation was “freedom”. I loved that. Especially when I read the spiritual connotation for his middle name Bailey was “protector.” So “freedom protector” was always what we told everyone his name meant. Today I was reminding Blake about that and Camden said, “So what do the regular books say that my name means?” I couldn’t quite remember so I looked it up real quick and YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS??!!!  “FROM THE VALLEY.” Now I’ve agreed to Blake that I wouldn’t say the name of our city on here or give away where we live, but for those of you who do know…..HOW CRAZY IS THAT?  It was a prophetic name! Chill bumps!!

Girl names ~ Since Hope was little, I have loved the name Malia (like Maria but with an “l”) But then Obama made himself known a couple of years ago and he has a daughter named Malia. Not that I have a problem with that pretty little girl…but it goes back to the popularity thing again. (I think its still on my list though) My favorite blog is written by a mom of seven, and one of her daughters is named “Brighton.” I LOVE that. Blake loves it. Brighton is like Hope – it means what it means. So it was what we had decided we would more than likely name our baby if she was a girl. But now we are talking about the name Callie or Caleigh. It means “beautiful”. And we like it. Any opinions? You better answer now because once we’ve decided your opinions will not be welcome. hahaha!!!  Just kidding, Just a joke….Geez…. 

Happy Weekend Everyone!!

  We spent the last two evenings decorating for Christmas. I can’t believe my oldest is eight years old. Its hard to believe in just a few short years he will be a teenager.

We have been discussing something in our family in the past couple of days. We are considering changing our requested age for our adoption. When we first decided to adopt, Blake wanted to adopt an older baby 1-2 years old. I did not. I wanted to spend every day I could with our child, and I didn’t want to miss any more of that precious and short first year of his or her life than we absolutely had to. I also wanted the bonding to go smoothly and quickly, and I wanted our child to have gone through little to no emotional and physical trauma. I knew that the younger the baby, the greater chance that these things would be the case. I convinced Blake that a baby was the way to go! But then God (I think) started to work on me a little. We met two adorable children that are in the foster care system. They were probably 6 and 7 and they were just so sweet, and I just wanted to take them home. I think meeting them got me to thinking…and got Blake and I to talking about the probability that he and I believe that we could bond with an older child. We feel  that we would have what it takes to love a child as our own even if we didn’t receive him or her as a small baby.  I took a  look at the waiting list of our agency and saw that the list of people wanting a baby over the age of 12 months is less than half of those wanting a baby under 12 months.
Then I started thinking logistically:
- That first year is not easy – I started really remembering that. Do I REALLY want to start all the way over? Enough to wait for a baby that there will be many, many people in line behind us that would be thrilled to adopt? Many that have never had the chance to have an infant of their own?
- The baby would be closer to Camden and Hope’s age. I think that is a plus.
- Camden and Hope could interact with him or her right from the beginning. (The kids both tell us they want a baby that is already one.)
- Our wait time would be less. I will admit I’m really liking the sound of that…. except that means we will need to raise money quicker – eek! But you know what I have a hard time believing God is freaking out about that one.

 
Well our Thanksgiving company just departed and its once again just the four of us. We had a lot of fun relaxing, eating, and playing games. A cold front came in yesterday, and stirred up the Christmas feeling in our house. Just in time too because we have a busy December coming up with lots and lots of activities.

Camden telling me what he wants for christmas.
     

I LOVE this next picture of Hope!! I think I might have to print it out!!

I want to share something that has been on my mind lately, but I want to preface it by saying that I know that it is something that God has put on MY heart. It is personal. I get frustrated with people when they forget that what God has put on THEIR heart is not a universal commandment from Jesus to the entire body of believers. I try very hard to remember what is absolute truth (scripture) and what is personal conviction and specific direction for MY life. So as I share what is on MY heart, please do not be offended if it is not what God has put on YOUR heart. No one has the right to judge your calling. No one has the right to say that their calling should be yours.

Their only fault (in my humble opinion) is when they believe that it is everyone’s calling. I think about what the church would look like if every Christian couple had as many children as sex (I mean God  ) would give them. I think about all the women in the church that do so much for the body of believers and out in the world who would not be able to do it if they had several children to raise. I think about the things in my life I would not be able to do if I had continued to have babies after Hope, and believe me – I’d have house full by now.  Certainly if God had laid it on our hearts to keep having children, it would have been a calling that I would be honored to accept. But Blake and I were lead down a different path. He called me to home school my two children. He called me to spend hours a week with the teenagers of my church and helping my worship/youth pastor husband in the ministry. He called me to build relationships with women in our church of all ages and stages of life. And now He has called me to something new. He has called Blake and I to adopt from Ethiopia. I am pro life. I believe that life is sacred and every baby is created by God and has a calling on his and her life. And the fact is 143 million children were given the gift of life, but now have no family to call their own. These millions and millions and millions of precious children need mommies and daddies to love them and tell them about Jesus. I am not called to continue to have my own as proof that life is sacred. He has called me to love one of those 143 million as proof that life is sacred. This is MY path. This is the way God is going to use ME to show His heart for children. And I am so very honored and so very excited. AND at the same time, I am so very supportive of all the women I know that God has called to different paths. Because we all need each other. This fallen, broken world needs us to all walk out our own calling in unity with each other not in competition. To ALL of my sisters in Christ, I love you and I admire you and I need you. I want to inspire and encourage you as you cheer me on, as I run my race and I, in turn, will be encouraged and inspired as I cheer you on as you run your race. We are each indiviually gifted and together we will be victorious!!

                            
                             (Ethiopia 4.6 million orphans…Minus 1   God sets the lonely in families. Psalms 68:6)

Our t-shirts are ready!!!  We are selling these t-shirts as a fund raiser for our adoption expenses, but also just to bring awareness to the desperate need of orphans, the gift of adoption, and the beautiful country and people of Ethiopia.

 
As the holidays have drawn closer I have found myself feeling sad. I miss the childhood excitement of the holidays. Since getting married it has become more of a stressful season than a “magical” one. Yesterday I was just plain grumpy, and I knew that I needed to make a decision to capture a portion of that excitement that I remember so wistfully from my childhood. So today I go back to the basics. Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, and I have so many things to be thankful for. So here is a list of thirty things I am thankful for to represent the 30 Thanksgivings I have celebrated.

1. My Parents. They gave me a childhood full of good memories.
2. Our new house. It is just so us.
3. Coke Icees. They are so theraputic.
4. Friends that I have had just over a year, but that I feel like I have known for a lifetime.
5. 16 months without anyone in our family getting sick enough to go to the Dr.
6. My son’s best friend Carter because I just love their friendship.
7. Homeschooling I just can’t imagine our life any other way. It rocks!
8. Our youth. They make us laugh and we really enjoy being with them.
9. My neighborhood. I feel safe, its close to everywhere we go, but still feels out in the country.
10. That my daughter loves to read.

11. That Blake’s brother married one of my favorite people, and now I have a sister-in-law when we get together with the Davis family.
12. That Camden loves soccer and not baseball. Thank you Jesus!
13.  That God has called us to adopt internationally.
14. That God has put people in our life that truly emotionally support us as we walk this journey.
15. That we passed our home study and are approved to adopt!
16.  That we have all the money we have needed for the adoption process so far and that we already have the $900 in the bank that we need for the next step.
17. That we live 45 minutes from the beach.
18. Our church. I love how its growing and I love how they love each other and love Jesus even when life is hard.
19. Our pastor/Blake’s boss. We know he loves us. We know he loves our church. We know he loves God. He’s just a blessing!
20. Our city. Brownsville has its frustrating points but I’ll take it over Southlake ANY day!! It is definitely home.
 

21. The opportunity to speak publicly about the Lord. All the stuff that’s been stirring in my heart for years and years is finally getting a chance to come out.
22. My new camera lens.
23. More and more opportunities to take pictures.
24. Chick Fil A. enough said.
25. Our cars that are still running despite their many, many miles.

26. That God keeps His promises.
27. That I am lead into the presence of God every Sunday morning by my husband. It is truly an honor to be his wife.
28. My marriage. Sometimes I realize that it is not common to REALLY love your marriage, but I do!
29. That when I go to God to complain about someone else, He always turns the conversation around to what needs to be changed in ME. It can be humbling and irritating, but its so needed!
30. That God has bigger plans for us than we could even imagine!!

God has been working in me in such a way that is hard to put into words mostly because it is oh so humbling. There are certain things He has been clearly speaking…. Such as telling me that I have moved from the place of honoring God, to a place of doing all I can to make myself look good (ie spiritual). He has been speaking this to me as well, “Do not criticize, Do not criticize, Do not criticize!” Have you ever felt the presence of God in such a way that you could not deny it, even though you wanted to, because you didn’t want to admit that He would pour out His anointing in such a mighty way on a person or ministry that you had judged blinded to the true heart of God? (ughh…) Have you ever found yourself at the point of being forced to decide whether or not to hold on to what you were so sure was right or letting go and falling into the grace of God and admitting that you have no authority to be judge? Have you ever found yourself haughtily looking down upon someone that was in the same exact place you were in mere days ago? Have you ever felt like you had just about arrived only to find that you were so far lost you weren’t sure how to get back? I have. I am terribly ashamed at my humanity, terribly embarrassed at my pride, and terribly, terribly grateful that God doesn’t let us stray too far before He comes looking for us. I’m so thankful that I can come before Him in my shame and have Him remind me of this verse from Hebrews

“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”

He will always help us find our way back.

I am reading a fictional book right now about an apothecary. In the time period the story takes place, there was a struggle between physicians (those who were trained and had the academic qualifications) and the apothecaries who learned by apprenticeship, experimenting and personal study. I read this line in the book today:
   “In plague years, when the rich fled London for the country, every physician followed, leaving the poor to suffer and die without care. Surgeons followed. But apothecaries all stayed-.”
It made me ask myself, “What would I have done?” Would I have fled with the rich, or would I have stayed and cared for the poor?”
It struck a chord with me because I have been thinking a lot, lately, about our American attitude towards money and our personal comfort and pleasure. The thought process that we work hard for our money, so we deserve to do with it whatever pleases us, is as rampant inside the church as it is outside the church. For the “spiritually advanced” (said with a tad of sarcasm) we believe 10% is God’s but the other 90% is ours.
So for the past few days, I have been asking myself, if maybe we are very, very wrong. If maybe I am very, very wrong.

I have been quoting the James 1:27 scripture a lot since we started on this adoption journey…
 ”Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.“
My focus has been on the first part of the verse because honestly I didn’t believe that the second part (keeping myself unpolluted by the world) was applicable to me. I took a second look a couple of days ago and in just a moment I was struck with the fact that the second part of this verse has very much to do with me. I had seen the second part of the verse as a new topic, unrelated to the part about caring for orphans and widows. I saw” keeping oneself from being polluted by the world” as meaning “being a good religious person.” You know like not getting drunk, cursing, adulterating, stealing…… But I feel that my eyes were opened to the possibility that this is not the mindset behind “being polluted by the world.” If it is in the same verse with caring for orphans and widows than I believe we can assume that it is, in fact, related. Possibly being polluted by the world will directly result in us not caring for orphans and widows. Possibly, being polluted by the world, will confuse our priorities and make us believe what the world tells us about our money, our time, and our pleasures, rather than what the Word of God tells us. Could it be that our financial success as individuals and as a church is not for the purpose of our comfort and enjoyment but for the purpose of enlarging the Kingdom of God across the entire world?
The challenge for me is two fold:

1. How am I going to let this knowledge change me?
2. How can I share this with others without becoming judge and jury?

I read a blog written by a mom of 6 children. Two are adopted from Ethiopia and they are in the process of adopting another. She talked about how she was convicted about spending money on Christmas presents. She said, “For no one else’s birthday do we buy gifts for everybody so why do we do that on the day we celebrate the birth of Christ?” Instead, they have decided to spend their money on Jesus by giving to the “least of these” ….to the poor, to the orphans. I admire that, yet I do not feel convicted to do the same. I suppose this lady COULD stand in judgment of me and believe that I am polluted by the world. And just as she could do that to me, I could look at those around me and point out where I, in my pitiful humanity think that others are not measuring up. But what I must understand is that Christianity, sanctification, and spiritual maturity is a process. I believe that as long as we are growing in our walk with the Lord, finding that our hearts “hear” Him clearer and we are taking steps to live out, in a practical way, the heart of God, then we are on the right path. Having fun, eating out, having a house bigger than we need, are not sins in themselves. In fact, they could be God’s perfect will and part of His exact plan to do something amazing. I am talking about a 100% heart issue. Do we realize that every penny we have, every breath we take, every possession we “own” is a gift from God given to us to be used for HIS glory? Have we determined to obey God no matter the cost and defend those He has called us to defend? Or are we more concerned about our own comfort and pleasures? I know that I am, without a doubt, more concerned about my own comfort and pleasure. I am, without a doubt, terribly polluted by the world. 

To desire to become unpolluted is a heart issue first and foremost, but it WILL be shown in a tangible way if it is authentic. We all have steps towards growth that we need to take. My encouragement isn’t to give away all your money, or to drive around in a clunker, or to eat beans and cornbread for the rest of your days, my encouragement is to remember daily that we have one life to live and one chance to do everything we can to make a difference for the Kingdom of God. As a church, lets ask the Lord to clear out the pollution of the world and give us His pure and faultless air to breathe. Lets re-define RELIGION!!

Here are a couple of ways we are raising funds for our adoption. We are selling coffee! Go to the link below and we get $5 towards our adoption expenses for every bag of coffee sold.

http://www.justlovecoffee.com/BlakeChristina

Also we are selling hats and headbands with flowers. We have all sorts of choices so email me if you want a picture of all them. Headbands with flowers are $8 and hats with flowers are $10. These were donated to us by Blake’s mom so everything we make will go straight towards our adoption expenses.

 Our adoption process is moving along! Our social worker is flying in next Monday and spending three days with us. Well, she is staying in a hotel, but will meet with us every day. I have heard a lot of great things about her, that she is very easy to talk to, and that she makes you feel  comfortable. I am not nervous about it yet…but it will probably hit me this weekend.

 Great things have happened financially for us too. In the month of October we raised $3,100!! This came through donations, the garage sale, and three photo shoots. This is 10% of what we need! We continue to pray for God to move on people’s hearts. We also pray daily for direction and wisdom on when to step out and actively fund-raise and when to just sit still and let Him provide in His way and His timing. We do not want to get in His way, but we also know that there are times God gives us ideas and creativity to fulfill His purpose. Please pray for us as we seek God’s perfect plan in this area. I have struggled off and on with embarrassment in this journey to raise the needed finances. Its not easy on my pride to ask for money. I imagine the negative things that people might be thinking.  Then, last week an email was sent out to all of us in the Ethiopian program of our agency. It was sent by a family who was in Ethiopia picking up their newly adopted children.  Before heading home, they had decided to visit the orphanage that their children had lived in before coming to our agency’s transition home. The farther back in the orphanage that they went the worse the conditions became. In the very back, was the room that they kept the smallest babies. The babies in there were not wearing diapers and they were lying on the floor or in cribs without mattresses. The couple was told by the orphanage that they had run out of diapers, and that because of this, the mattresses had been ruined and had to be thrown out. My heart raced with a sense of urgency and helplessness, as I wondered if our baby might be lying in one of these hard cribs without a diaper. My pride suddenly was not as important anymore. I will do whatever I need to in order to rescue one of those babies. Not everyone is called to adopt, but we are. There is no doubt. We will continue to pray and work to raise every penny we need to bring our baby home.

Back to wondering what people might be thinking….. That is always a struggle for me. In every area of my life. Yesterday I was thinking about how I handle criticism. I can hear compliments and praise all the live long day, and it really makes little difference to me. But have someone criticize me and I’m a mess! I am mad at whoever criticized me, but more than that I immediately believe what they say. I begin to think that I am a not worthy, that I am a bad person, that I am ugly on the inside and outside. I want to withdraw and keep everything about me close inside where no-one can see the yucky me that I have decided is me. I KNOW I am not the only one that wrestles with this. Its a “girl thang!” Or maybe its just a human thing…  I asked Blake about it yesterday, “Why can we hear 10 compliments and 1 insult and we don’t give the 10 compliments a second thought yet we obsess over that insult for days….weeks…years.” He said, “Because approval of man is so important to us.” Wow! That hit me right there – you know that place that is half brain/half heart. I knew that – but I really saw it. Mixed in with my own thoughts was the sermon yesterday about knowing who we are in Christ and a blog I read this morning about wearing a “costume” and not being who we really are. I have been in a very contemplative mood all day. Searching my heart – deep down and praying short prayers all throughout the day. Cries from the little girl inside of me that says, “Tell me who I am, God. Tell me what YOU think of me and my actions.” Our pastor yesterday said, “Even when we behave admirably we still fall desperately short of the glory of God.” Today I told the Lord, “What about when I try so hard to be who you want me to be…to not get caught up in drama, to not get insulted, to always respond in love, but then I get tired of trying and I mess up.” He spoke to me, “You cannot live from your will, you must live from your heart.” Oh yeah, I knew that… But what do I do when my heart doesn’t feel very loving? “You let me fill it with MY love.”

  I need Him every single day. When I realize that I am living from my will….willing myself to good behavior its a warning sign that my heart is weak – it needs to be re-charged by my Savior. You know what I want? I want to be secure enough in who I am in Christ to hear criticism and not feel one iota of negativity to the giver of the criticism. I want to run to Christ and say, “Is it true, because if it is I need you to change my heart, and if its not I lay it down and will not pick it back up.” Wouldn’t that be freedom!

One other thing, I read a comment someone made on the above mentioned blog about how when God convicts us He does it with so much grace that we never feel criticized. I want to be like that – I wonder what it is about Him that makes Him  able to point out our weaknesses and yet we feel so strongly His great love for us at the same time?  I REALLY love that about Him, and would really like Him to allow me a small portion of that so that  I can talk to my children, our youth, and any other person that God allows me to mentor for a season, with this same gift of grace and love.