October 18, 2013

• I Want to Make Him Smile

  Today was a hard day. Blake has been sick. And my sympathy for him seemed to get lost while I slept last night because I woke up grumpy at him that he wasn’t all better. We had home school co-op so it was a hurry up and get ready to go morning and I knew that I would have to cook for students that evening and that would take some prep time before I had to leave (without Blake) late afternoon. I was frustrated and nervous about the “without Blake” part because I am still not comfortable without him here in Guate. I still feel insecure and nervous and incapable. On the way to co-op I got lost trying to run an errand before hand and then I couldn’t get myself parallel parked close enough to the curb so I had to drive around looking for another place. My kiddos got mad and impatient and bossed me around and sighed and made my grumpiness and incapable feeling worse, and without thinking of what I was saying, I said too loudly, “Shut up or we are going home.” We don’t say shut up in our family. Hope’s eyes welled with tears.
  Jesus I have so far to go.

  At co-op Blake sent me a message that some of our semester students told our director that that they no longer want sack lunches, they want something “less gluten.” In my already fleshly state I sat there in the middle of the moms pretending I was listening but really chewing on that piece of news like a giant piece of cud until I was so spitting mad that I wanted to disown my citizenship to the good ole U.S. of A. And as I got more and more mad at them, I started thinking of all the thoughts I have had, words I have said, attitudes I have let stick around, that are just as selfish and entitled and proud and I got mad at myself too.
  Jesus I have so far to go.

  I had beautiful moments today. Like watching Camden play soccer with the younger boys at co-op, and him telling me so wisely this afternoon that just because someone is mature doesn’t mean they are unselfish. And spending time with my friend Abbey tonight. And understanding a little more Spanish than I did the last time as I worked with Claudia and Lorena in the kitchen. And eating leftover chocolate cake with Blake after the kids were in bed.

  But now everyone is asleep and all I can think is,
  “Jesus I have so far to go.”

  I vented on facebook about spoiled brat Americans and hoped that it wouldn’t sound so bad by admitting that I, too, am one of them, but still had two comments (and counting) sweetly reminding me not to judge.
  “Have I mentioned Jesus that I have so far to go?”

  As an introvert, it comes natural for me to look for reasons to hide. Seeing my imperfections today make me so badly want to grasp them as an excuse to excuse myself. Excuse myself from relationships. Excuse myself from taking risks. Excuse myself from getting to know people. Excuse myself from working hard. Excuse myself from trying.

  But Jesus is talking to me tonight. He is saying in a tone of grace that I have a choice. I can excuse myself. I can hide. I can protect myself from making a fool of myself (again),

  but in doing so I will also be limiting Him.

  This verse is bread and water to me in this moment,

  “My grace is sufficient for you.
  My power is made perfect in weakness.
  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses.
  So that Christ’s power may rest on me.
  That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses,
  in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
  For when I am weak, then am I strong.”
  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

  It doesn’t make sense. That God would whisper to my heart, “You have a choice, but I hope you won’t hide.”

  He knows my weaknesses. He knows how far I have to go. He knows I will let my foolishness show, my pride, and my judgementalness, my ignorance.

  Yet He still doesn’t want me to hide.

  Somehow he plans to take His beautiful, incredible power and rest it on me…weaknesses and all.

  So I’m going back up to the beautiful town of Magdalena again in the morning. And I am going to go visit some families that I’ve been promising to visit, but have been too scared to follow through and actually do it. And I am going to sit down in their homes with my fumbling Spanish and my sweaty palms, and my erratically nervous beating heart and I’m going to pray that a little God comes out of me. That somehow His promise to rest on me will come through my words (mistakes and all) and my smile and my small gift. That when I leave, some of Jesus will stay behind. And that He will receive glory from our visits. That the smiles we exchange will make Him smile. Because that is what I want more than anything…to know that even though I have so far to go that the little steps I do take…make Him smile.

  • 3:00 am
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