September 27, 2010

• Honored

  I am an open person. I will tell anyone just about anything.
  Blake is private.
  I am emotional. I get very, very excited and happy and full of passion.
  Blake is on this level piece of land that I couldn’t even find if I wanted to, much less stand and stay on it.

  I found myself frustrated with him earlier today. I want to spend hours a day talking about this adoption process. I want to have deep conversations about Africa, poverty, orphans, and living radically for Christ. And sometimes (most of the time) its been like talking to a brick wall.

  Then today I listened to concerns someone shared about the color of skin that our child will have.  My mommy claws came out. This is my baby you are talking about.

  I feel pregnant. I do not know this baby yet. More than likely he or she has not even been born. But I already feel a mommy’s love. That baby is being created by God to be apart of our family. We will raise this baby. We will walk him/her through joy and grief throughout his/her life. He/She is already apart of me because God placed a love for that child inside of me when I was in my mother’s womb. I know it because I feel it and because I am acting on it.  And that’s what love is right? Its a feeling, but even more so…it is action.

  Did I doubt our decision? Not a chance! But my heart was heavy. I heard the Lord speak to me. He said, “I have bestowed on you an honor. You should feel honored that I have called you to this.” I agreed with Him that I am indeed honored, but it was going to take awhile for the truth to cover over the emotions of anger and hurt. An hour later I was in Blake’s office telling him all about it. I looked him in the eye and said, “You are in this 100% right?” And without missing a beat he said, “150 Thousand Percent.” And I could clearly see it. Everything that I had just told him didn’t change one thing in his mind OR his heart. He is steady. “God is working on them,” he said. “It doesn’t effect how we should act OR feel one bit.” And in that second I was overwhelmingly grateful for my level-headed husband. He might not sit around talking for hours about his feelings through this process, but I can count on him to never be swayed. No matter whether I’m having a happy day or a discouraging day I KNOW he is 150 thousand percent in this. And for this, as well, I feel very, very honored.

  • 5:21 pm
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