August 19, 2013

• Thoughts on Being Deeply Relational

  Sometimes I am afraid that if you read my blogs you might think I am always emotionally processing something. You would be pretty much right, but this isn’t the whole part of my life. I should probably write more lighthearted blogs about how wonderful my husband is and what homeschooling material I am using and funny stories from the mission field, but I don’t. I put those on Facebook or leave them for real life conversations and let my blog be the outpouring of all my inner drama. A requirement for our ministry is that the staff send their blog posts to their boss and boss’s boss. I always feel like I should preface the email to them with the link to my most recent blog post by saying, “Hello Gentleman my dad’s age. Here is my 30 year old female PMS blog of the month.
  They are gracious, and my boss tells me often, “I read your blog. It was very good. I am praying for you.”
  And I imagine him saying under his breath as he walks away, “Lord knows you need it.”

  All that to say, Prepare yourself readers. I got some inner drama to share…..

  I discovered something in my 20′s. I am an introvert. I don’t feel comfortable with mingling and chit chat. I don’t like women’s events where everyone is sniffing in their tissues, but no one really knows the reasons behind everyone’s sniffling. I feel energized from having time alone. And I have a phobia of talking on the phone. With the realization of all of this, I kind of (wrongly) came to the conclusion that this meant I wasn’t a people person.

  I have been working hard the last few days on coming into agreement with God. I started out by reminding Him of some situations in the past where I have been hurt, and He followed it by pointing out some times in the past where I have just been plain wrong. So I have spent my dish washing time the last couple of days agreeing with Him that I have some sin I really need to fess up to and I’ve spent some laundry folding time really meditating on how I have not and am not aligning with God’s word in these areas. As I have come clean with Him, as I have formed each word of confession in my mind and articulated to the Lord my desire to be aligned with His will and purposes, He has forgiven me and began speaking beautiful grace into my heart.

  He has shown me breaking news: that although I am an introvert and stink at small talk, I am very much a deeply relational person. He has taken me back to hurt after hurt after hurt and shown me that the root comes down to the fact that it wounds me deeply when people I feel like God has placed close to my life don’t show that they care about me on a deeply relational level. Either they distance themselves, or their closeness feels fake and polished, or they set themselves in a place of being over me, but not for me. Because of who I am, this wrecks havoc deep into my soul. And it’s hard to shake off.

  So here’s what Jesus is showing me; what I am learning…..

  #1 That He loves me deeply. He is deeply relational just like me. He understands me. He made me in His image, and he identifies with this part of me. He will never not love me in a deeply relational way. He knows how to help me with the soul pain that can come from being a deeply relational person. He knows how to free me from the sinful side of this strength.

  #2 It’s a weird dynamic being a deeply relational introvert. I can push you away when I start to feel crowded, but love you deeply at the same time. I can want so bad to be your close friend but not have the social stamina to do what it takes to get to that level. I often feel heart wrenching guilt that I am not an extrovert, because I feel like it would better show you how much I love you if I were. It makes me think of one of my dearest friends who I only see a couple of times a year. She’s the kind of girl who will run across the room screaming when she sees me and jump on me, wrapping her legs around me, and squeeze the life out of me, while I stand there awkwardly patting her on the back. My insides are so excited, but they just can’t quite get themselves out in the open to show it with near the exuberance. Thank God she still keeps hugging me.

  #3 Everybody isn’t like me and I need to learn how to not take that personally. When someone opens their heart to me, I open mine too. Every time. I won’t pastor you or advise you or correct you. I will open my heart back. I will find a part of my life that can relate to what you’re going through, and I will share it with you even if it’s deeply personal. That is what I do. That is my love language. It’s the sixth one the book doesn’t talk about. The love language of openness. On the flip side, if I open up first and in return you pastor, advise, or correct me without opening yourself to ME, that hurts me. It makes me feel insecure and vulnerable. It doesn’t feel like you want to be relational. And that is where my God-given deeply relational personality gets me into trouble. I expect you to be like me. I expect you to love like I do. And that’s going to keep me dealing with soul hurts all of my life. I am not allowed to be mad at people for not being deeply relational. Deeply relational needs to mean that I love you no matter how you love me. Deeply relational can be hurt, but then it has to learn how to let go. As a deeply relational person, it is vital for me to have a deeply relational prayer life so God can teach me how to let go of hurt, because on my own it is hard. It’s impossible really.

  #4 I am an asset. My husband is relational as well, just not deeply so. So he relates with who I am to a point….which is perfect. The rest of the time he just holds me and begs me not to think so much…which is perfect. I can be a strength to him with my deeply relational personality. I can be a strength to our work here. He has a pastor’s heart. He loves people. He can draw them in, but I can make them stay. Because I open us up. I am 100% okay with being real. I am 100% okay with people knowing my mess. I am 100% happy to know your mess and love you anyway. And I kind of think when you open yourself up to people who’ve opened themselves to you that you’re bonded for life. You’re soul brothers and sisters. I don’t know but maybe that’s kind of like being the body of Christ.

  #5 I am not the only one like me. There are others of you that love like I do. And you have soul pain that keeps you up at night sometimes. Your deeply relational, raw, sensitive, vulnerable soul has had more moments of rejection than you can count. Chances are likely that your pain hurts even worse than mine, because I’ve heard stories that wound me just to hear them. I am so, so, so very sorry for your hurt. I want to wrap you in my arms and hold you and weep out loud, but I can’t because I am an introvert. But I want to. I don’t want to pastor, advise, or correct you, I just want you to know that I know how you feel. I hope that you don’t lose the person God created you to be because you’re tired of being hurt. I hope you don’t decide you’re not a people person. I hope you don’t stop being open. I hope you and I learn how to accept love that looks different than that which comes natural to us. I hope that we can let God help us let go. And most of all I hope that we can realize that there is no more fulfilling deeper relational relationship than the one Jesus wants to have with us.

  • 7:42 am
  • 3 Comments