July 10, 2013
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Pulling Up The Bootstraps of My Faith
It’s been almost three years since we started this adoption process. My head in the clouds. My heart in love with a little brown baby that I had never seen.
I have always wanted four children. One of my first thoughts after pulling Hope onto my chest after delivering her in our bathtub was, “I did it. And now I’m halfway done. Two down and two to go.”
But then I never really got “baby fever” like I did the first two times..and the years passed. I knew I had plenty of time since we started so darn early.
But right after Hope turned 6 it hit me…I wanted another one. But God was stirring our hearts for missions, for third world nations, for those in poverty, and for orphans. I looked at our 2 little mini us’s and thought, “We’ve done this, why not give a home to baby that doesn’t have one?” If I had known then what I know now well…I would probably have a two year old third mini us and a baby on the way. But I didn’t. Like I said…”My head was in the clouds and my heart in love with a little brown baby from Ethiopia.”This waiting has been heart wrenching, infuriating, depressing, and beyond frustrating. My head has moved from the clouds, down to somewhere near the dirt, and my heart became so sore that I stomped out all dreamy, loving feelings about this little one that will be ours…. I just got too tired of longing.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t suppose to have to harden my heart against our child before I even saw her face.
Our fourth child has stayed on our minds over the past three years as well. We had thought about adopting two from Ethiopia and were even officially open to it with our agency for several months. Then we decided we would look into adopting from Guatemala while here and started gathering all of the paperwork to become residents so that we could start the process shortly after arriving. But then our Ethiopian process doubled in difficulty and frustration, and we heard horror stories about other missionaries here in Guatemala who have been trying for years to adopt from here, and I knew I couldn’t do it again. So Blake and I made the final decision that we would not adopt again. I was in agreement but I was sad. And angry.
But I’m the biggest dreamer you’ll ever meet so I started dreaming about getting pregnant again for the first time in 9 years. A fourth child that would redeem the ugly that this adoption process has been. A baby / a process where I don’t have to answer to anyone, no social workers, notaries, police reports, annoying adoption agencies, family coordinators, or vague/ridiculous emails about why I am still waiting three years later when it was supposed to take less than a year. I will have a DUE DATE! A day to look forward to when I KNOW my little one will be in my arms.
This is normal isn’t it? Wanting to redeem the bad ourselves. Wanting to make sense of it all. Wanting to make everything better. Being sure that God has good things ahead that will delete the hard from our hearts and minds.
Sometimes I still let myself dream of my little Ethiopian girl…of meeting her and bringing her home. And hearing her call us Mommy and Daddy and seeing her snuggled up to Hope asleep in the quietness of the night. I imagine holding her and rocking her and praying for Jesus to heal her wounded soul.
That’s where I am this morning….forcing my heart to love her again. Because right now she IS somewhere and she DOES have a wounded soul and that precious little girl deserves a mommy who is longing for her. Who is heart sick for her. Who is praying constantly for her protection and for God to bring her home.
Are you in a similar place? Where your heart is exhausted from the waiting? Where you’d rather dream of something new than to cling on to that promise that causes you so much pain? I know. I know. I know. But would you do something? Would you cling with me today? Cling to that promise that seems like it will NEVER happen? Will you pray with your exhausted faith? Will you let yourself believe this pain is worth something?
Because the Bible says that when we set our heart on the pilgrimage…not on the final reward…but on the pilgrimage… then we are blessed.
“Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.” Psalms 84:5
Comments (4)
This post really hits home in ways that would take way too long to fully explain. My dream was to be a homeschooling, baby-wearing, granola-eating stay-at-home mom of 3-5 half-Mexican babies. But God had other plans. Pretty soon after my son was born; the cracks in my marriage become more and more prominent, but I kept praying and pleading with the Lord to restore my marriage and heal my family. Instead, He freed me after 10 years in a toxic marriage. (I’ll spare you the details.) My soul grieves for the children I never had and aches that my precious boy is growing up in a broken home—though it’s a significantly healthier home now.But the Lord has given me peace that there will be children in my life to share His love with. I don’t know if that means I will be blessed with a godly marriage and more children (biological, step, foster, or adopted) in the future, or if He will bring children into my life who need to be ministered to. If I never marry again, I plan to look into foster parenting after my son graduates high school when I am more secure financially. The pathways that God is leading both of us down are not what we planned. Thank you for sharing your journey.
I loved how raw you were in this blog thank you for sharing. Before we were married, my husband and I were so excited about children. We have names, their entire birthing process and futures planned out – as far as an at-home-birth, homeschooling, and bringing them to love Jesus and praise God. A couple years before we were married, my migraines (that I have had since I was 8) became chronic. About 9 months before we were married – you know, when we were talking about children more and when we would start – it hit me… God has given me strong convictions about healthy, drug-free, natural pregnancies and births. Of course, these are personal convictions, but they are strong…. I realized at this point in my life, I could not get pregnant – not with how bad my migraines were, left paralyzed in pain, on the bathroom floor hugging a bucket all night long being unable to eat, see, talk, listen… I can barely deal with a migraine without medication; I can’t even think about putting a developing fetus through the trauma. Praise God, my husband is a pharmacist/science guy. We have been experimenting with natural preventions and have been somewhat successful – I am down to about 10 migraines a month – much better than 15-30. So… I guess I am just answering your question… I have just recently started talking about this and only to “strangers” online through blogging and my very closest family and friends. Who wants to talk about possibly not being able to be pregnant and give birth? And of course, no one truly wants to hear about it. My answer is yes: I am exhausted. I am tired of not understand God’s plans for me. I often think, since my husband and I originally discussed starting – well, this coming October, maybe there was something in which God wanted us to wait… so he is allowing this illness to be such a huge part of my life. The migraine prevention tactics are also forcing me to eat healthier than I have ever eaten in my life- keeping in constant balance, hydrated, un-inflamed… Maybe my convictions are so strong because God knows I have to have a very healthy body to be pregnant… I mean, I don’t know… this is my mind just rambling because your questions struck me. And then, the part I have surprisingly accepted… maybe I am not meant to be pregnant and give birth to a mini us. Yes, I can go ahead and cry when I think about it, but then I think of how much I absolutely adore my husband, and that life without children would be just as wonderful. (YES, it has been over a year to be able to say that). No one but my mother and husband know, but I purchased a few baby things a couple weeks ago. They were on crazy sale and ever since I was younger, I knew the “theme” i wanted for my baby’s nursery. We do not want to know the sex, so everything would be gender neutral. So, you know, I purchased a few things. I cried when I opened them, and they are now out in our second bedroom. I go in there and look at them and they bring me some sort of happiness. Like, maybe someday I will be able to use these beautiful things… and maybe I won’t and they will just be a reminder of God’s all knowing path for me. Sorry my answer was so long… but thank you for challenging your readers to relate… I always thought you and I were in very different seasons in our lives – which in many ways we are… but I guess I can relate to your heart more than I originally realized. … God Bless.
I am in a similar place. I have always wanted 4 children. My oldest is 19 and was challenging growing up but when he was 10 we were expecting our second child. Then 3 1/2 years later came our third. Right after I gave birth to him I told my husband I wanted another one:) but the years went by and my husband was quite happy with what we had. Well November 2012 God had other plans for us. We were pregnant. I was over the moon excited. At 12 weeks we lost that baby. Two months later we were pregnant again.5 weeks later we lost that baby as well. It has been hard to say the least. I know God has his reasons that my heart doesn’t understand. So we have decided to go ahead with our plan to foster to adopt. I grew up in foster care until I aged out and I have always wanted to give back in that way. So know that I will cling with you, pray with you and hold onto the hope that our pain is just a stepping stone to greater path God has for us:). I know God didn’t give me all this extra motherly love for nothing;) Much Blessings to you and your family always. Thank you sooo much for your words.
Did you ever read this post? Written 2 months before our referral when I collapsed, gave up, let go of the image of Olivia as well. But you know the REST of the story! God isn’t finished writing your story as well hon. Love and hugs!! (And try to make sure and listen to the embedded song, singing it in my head really helped). http://wagest.blogspot.com/2011/10/mustard-seed-faith.html?m=1