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February 16, 2014

December 19, 2013

November 25, 2013

November 17, 2013

November 4, 2013

October 18, 2013

  • I Want to Make Him Smile

    Today was a hard day. Blake has been sick. And my sympathy for him seemed to get lost while I slept last night because I woke up grumpy at him that he wasn’t all better. We had home school co-op so it was a hurry up and get ready to go morning and I knew that I would have to cook for students that evening and that would take some prep time before I had to leave (without Blake) late afternoon. I was frustrated and nervous about the “without Blake” part because I am still not comfortable without him here in Guate. I still feel insecure and nervous and incapable. On the way to co-op I got lost trying to run an errand before hand and then I couldn’t get myself parallel parked close enough to the curb so I had to drive around looking for another place. My kiddos got mad and impatient and bossed me around and sighed and made my grumpiness and incapable feeling worse, and without thinking of what I was saying, I said too loudly, “Shut up or we are going home.” We don’t say shut up in our family. Hope’s eyes welled with tears.
    Jesus I have so far to go.

    At co-op Blake sent me a message that some of our semester students told our director that that they no longer want sack lunches, they want something “less gluten.” In my already fleshly state I sat there in the middle of the moms pretending I was listening but really chewing on that piece of news like a giant piece of cud until I was so spitting mad that I wanted to disown my citizenship to the good ole U.S. of A. And as I got more and more mad at them, I started thinking of all the thoughts I have had, words I have said, attitudes I have let stick around, that are just as selfish and entitled and proud and I got mad at myself too.
    Jesus I have so far to go.

    I had beautiful moments today. Like watching Camden play soccer with the younger boys at co-op, and him telling me so wisely this afternoon that just because someone is mature doesn’t mean they are unselfish. And spending time with my friend Abbey tonight. And understanding a little more Spanish than I did the last time as I worked with Claudia and Lorena in the kitchen. And eating leftover chocolate cake with Blake after the kids were in bed.

    But now everyone is asleep and all I can think is,
    “Jesus I have so far to go.”

    I vented on facebook about spoiled brat Americans and hoped that it wouldn’t sound so bad by admitting that I, too, am one of them, but still had two comments (and counting) sweetly reminding me not to judge.
    “Have I mentioned Jesus that I have so far to go?”

    As an introvert, it comes natural for me to look for reasons to hide. Seeing my imperfections today make me so badly want to grasp them as an excuse to excuse myself. Excuse myself from relationships. Excuse myself from taking risks. Excuse myself from getting to know people. Excuse myself from working hard. Excuse myself from trying.

    But Jesus is talking to me tonight. He is saying in a tone of grace that I have a choice. I can excuse myself. I can hide. I can protect myself from making a fool of myself (again),

    but in doing so I will also be limiting Him.

    This verse is bread and water to me in this moment,

    “My grace is sufficient for you.
    My power is made perfect in weakness.
    Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses.
    So that Christ’s power may rest on me.
    That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses,
    in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
    For when I am weak, then am I strong.”
    2 Corinthians 12:9-10

    It doesn’t make sense. That God would whisper to my heart, “You have a choice, but I hope you won’t hide.”

    He knows my weaknesses. He knows how far I have to go. He knows I will let my foolishness show, my pride, and my judgementalness, my ignorance.

    Yet He still doesn’t want me to hide.

    Somehow he plans to take His beautiful, incredible power and rest it on me…weaknesses and all.

    So I’m going back up to the beautiful town of Magdalena again in the morning. And I am going to go visit some families that I’ve been promising to visit, but have been too scared to follow through and actually do it. And I am going to sit down in their homes with my fumbling Spanish and my sweaty palms, and my erratically nervous beating heart and I’m going to pray that a little God comes out of me. That somehow His promise to rest on me will come through my words (mistakes and all) and my smile and my small gift. That when I leave, some of Jesus will stay behind. And that He will receive glory from our visits. That the smiles we exchange will make Him smile. Because that is what I want more than anything…to know that even though I have so far to go that the little steps I do take…make Him smile.

September 24, 2013

  • Seeking a Place of Heart Calm

    Our adoption agency has told us not to expect a referral this year. We just hit 3 years since we started the process. The problem isn’t that there aren’t children. The problem is they haven’t been released to be adopted. I’ve had to kind of push it to the back of my mind so I don’t walk around in a state of sadness all of the time. One day it will happen. I still believe that. I have a daily devotional book by Max Lucado that a group of students that came here to Guatemala gave us. Last night I asked the Lord for a word that we are still supposed to be hanging on to this love we have for a child that we don’t know when we will ever see. I turned to the day that our paperwork was turned into Ethiopia: Feb. 25th. The devotional was about how the promises of God will be fulfilled and it explicitly said “orphans will be embraced.” It gave me what I needed for today to hang on, but I’m hanging on loosely so that I can live in the here and now.

    When we started the adoption process I started reading lots and lots of blogs on adoption. I found out that not everybody agrees with international adoption, in fact, some people flat out despise it. It’s hard to read that stuff and not question your decisions. It’s really hard not to question it when it hasn’t turned out the way I thought. But God has been so faithful to speak through my confusion, my questions, my doubts and whisper: “This is my plan for YOU.” It’s okay that not everyone agrees. It’s good that people are seeking out answers and solutions for the orphan crisis…solutions that go past international adoption. These questions are needed because solutions are desperately needed. But it doesn’t mean that we aren’t where we are supposed to be…or doing what we are supposed to be doing. And it also doesn’t mean I need to feel threatened or become defensive. I am praying that the solutions that go beyond adoption will be things that I can become involved in. I want to help more than the one child we will adopt. I want to embrace more orphans than the one that will become my child.

    I have wrestled with similar things when it comes to our work here in Guatemala. Although I’ve spent the last 20 years dreaming of living on the mission field, I did very little reading on people’s views of missions. I have read a lot since I’ve been here. My reading has been in the hopes of finding blogs and other writings that would encourage and inspire me when things are tough, but I seemed to have found more things that cause me to feel discouraged and confused rather than encouraged. Some people don’t believe in short term mission teams, or having Americans plant themselves long term on the mission field, or even going to a place that is not considered un-reached. I have spent many, many hours wrestling with hard questions. Doubting just as I did with our adoption. Feeling humiliated that something I thought people would consider noble is actually not so noble to some. It causes me to ache with insecurity and then ask myself some probing questions.

    Who am I here for?
    Who called me to those in poverty in Spanish speaking countries when I was 11 years old?
    Who put on my heart to work with U.S. teenagers on the mission field when I was only in high school?
    Who worked out so many tiny details to get us in the right place at the right time to arrive at the moment where we were asked to come work on staff with SI to work in a Spanish speaking country with people in poverty while simultaneously working with teenagers who come on short term trips?

    Who called us to adoption?
    Who are we adopting to please?
    Who brought in the provisions to fund this adoption?
    Who has encouraged us along the way when we wanted to give up?

    Am I doing my life; making my decisions to receive admiration?
    To be a hero?
    To feel better than those who haven’t or haven’t yet?

    If so then that would explain why I get my panties all in a wad when I read people write about how you should send 30K to Africa to help with family preservation instead of adopting. Or when I read that real missionary heroes go where no missionary has gone before…

    or even when it stings when I read about homeschool moms that do science projects, build their own pioneer homes in the backyard, or whose kids know Latin by the time they are 10.

    or when I read about women who never eat sugar, or eat only food that was available in the Garden of Eden, or think fast food will kill you faster than a Belcher’s Sea Snake (that’s the most poisonous snake in the world – I looked it up).

    The fact is no matter what I do: adopt, move to the mission field, homeschool my kids, exercise 3 whole times a week and force down a salad twice a week, get every school subject done every day for a whole week (that has never happened), and hang up my husband’s clothes without complaining for the rest of my life…someone is still going to be doing better than me. Someone is still going to make my futile attempts look ridiculous or worse…wrong.

    That’s why every day the last week I’ve had to ask the Lord to remind me of how HE got me where I am… with the adoption, on the mission field, with homeschooling, with being a wife and stay at home mom but also a helper to Blake in our work here. I have been teaching myself to make a habit out of reminding myself why I do what I do. And I’ve been telling my soul that it is possible to listen to/read other people’s ideas and opinions and hear them out and find the truth, while at the same time remaining steadfast in the assurance that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

    If I can find and stay in that place where I am securely aware that Jesus got me here and Jesus will be present with me here until the end, I can stay in a place of calm. I can even grow and learn and accept correction or criticism personal or non-personal out a place of calm rather than a place of frantic. I want that. I want heart calm…all of the time….no matter what.

September 9, 2013

  • Out Loud

    Xanga has got a whole new look and it messed up my blog. Some of my pics don’t show up and my lay out looks weird, but I have no idea how to fix it and Blake is too busy right now so I’m just going to NOT care for the moment.
    Language school is behind us. Blake is working full time. I’m homeschooling the kids as well as being involved with some things here with SI Guatemala. Life feels calmer and more focused and I am happy to have the juggling of transitioning, training, learning the ministry, and language school behind me. It was one of those seasons that you don’t realize how hard it is until it’s behind you. Wheww!! We made it.
    Tonight I cooked for 2 teams plus some staff. I cook again on Tues, Thurs, and then on Sun again. My feet hurt, I smell like ground beef, but I am content. It was a good night. Blake lead team games for the students after dinner, I got to practice my Spanish and get to know our 2 kitchen staff ladies, I had good conversations with our other staff that were there, and now I am blogging while I listen to Blake play the guitar and worship en voz alta downstairs.
    En voz alta – it means out loud. But I like en voz alta better. I had to do a lot of reading “en voz alta” during the last weeks of language school to get rid of my East Texas accent that even shows up when I speak Spanish.
    Tonight I am thinking about how we all live “en voz alta” what is in our hearts.
    What comes out of my mouth, out of my expressions, out of my actions speaks out loud what is in my heart.
    I can try so very hard to say all of the right things and do all of the right things. I can try to fake it until I make it, but if my heart is full of ugly. I am going to live ugly “en voz alta.”
    So I’m taking a deep look at my heart tonight as I sit on my bed and listen to Blake singing his prayers out loud – it’s so beautiful it’s almost distracting me from my time with Jesus.
    But I am telling Him,
    You see the ugly. Clean it up for me Jesus. Let my heart be a beautiful place. Help me release those things I need to release. feelings of resentment. feelings of pride. feelings of frustration at myself. feelings of impatience. feelings of disappointment. Create in my purity and compassion and serenity…beautiful things to live “en voz alta.”