I was admittedly frustrated. And justifiably so... or so I thought. I mean for Heaven's sake, God put it in our hearts to adopt. And we obeyed! God supernaturally provided every penny of the staggering amount we needed for the process.
The only thing missing is the little person. And we really, really, really, REALLY want to meet him or her....or them.
And I pray. And I pray. And I pray. And I believe. And I believe. And I believe. And I put my faith in the scriptures. - His words that He sets the lonely in families. And defends the cause of the orphans. And that He loves the least of these. And that if I believe I will receive anything I ask for in prayer.
And yet nothing.
There are many that believe that our adoption will happen in God's desired timing. Somehow in their minds God is cool with my child being an orphan for a little while longer which honestly ticks me off. What if your child was suffering, lonely, scared and you couldn't get to them, and I said, "It's okay. Just trust God. This is His timing."
Now do I believe that God will work all things to the good of those that love Him?! Of course! But the reason He has to "work" things is because He is going to have a bunch of junk and scraps that will need some healing, and rearranging, and redeeming. Amazingly He can make things look like Plan A by the end, but that doesn't mean it WAS His plan A. Plan A would actually have been that our little Ethiopian be raised by his own Daddy and Mommy that know and love Jesus and could provide for him.
I wrestled all day long. Emotions and confusion and unrest rising.
Until I got a text that said, "God DOES intervene because of our prayers......but not always. It is NOT a guarantee."
And for some reason that text lead me straight to a moment of truth. My moment of truth.
I got honest with God and myself right in my kitchen with plates of leftovers coming in and out of the microwave and my children and husband talking in volumes way louder than necessary.
"I'm mad at you God."
I said it. I came clean.
I heard nothing, but He came upon me heavy and Holy.
So I add because when He comes near I can't help it ....."But I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you."my heart whispers.
And I was broken. I was humbled before Him. And THEN He spoke.
"You have moved from praying in faith to trying to manipulate Me."
So there it is for me:
My faith is pleasing to God. My attitude is not.
Faith absolutely moves God to intervene in our sin infested world when at times He would not intervene if we did NOT pray. I got myself some scriptures that give me peace with that.
But sometimes He does not intervene.
It doesn't mean that it His will that my little one is an orphan for another day.
It just means that I live in a fallen world and sin and the effects of sin are painful and heart breaking.
So I continue to pray
-that my child's paperwork is speedily processed.
-that the officials in Ethiopia will have a sense of urgency to investigate and process all of the waiting orphans' paperwork.
-that Satan's plans and agendas will be thwarted.
-that my child will have a special nanny in the orphanage that adores him so that he knows every single night as he lies in his bed in the dark that he is lovable and valuable.
And as I pray every day, sometimes with a broken heart, I know that I have to check my motives on a regular basis.
Because as soon as I start letting pride inch itself in, I will once again find myself in the same place that I was this morning....
A faith crisis.
Thank you Jesus for your words of life. For your grace. For your love.
And in your powerful name I pray with every ounce of faith that I have -
Bring my little one home. And by the way....I love You. I ADORE You.
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you;I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth—everyone who is called by my name,whom I created for my glory,whom I formed and made.” - Isaiah 43:5-7
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