It’s been almost three years since we started this adoption process. My head in the clouds. My heart in love with a little brown baby that I had never seen.

I have always wanted four children. One of my first thoughts after pulling Hope onto my chest after delivering her in our bathtub was, “I did it. And now I’m halfway done. Two down and two to go.”

But then I never really got “baby fever” like I did the first two times..and the years passed. I knew I had plenty of time since we started so darn early. But right after Hope turned 6 it hit me…I wanted another one. But God was stirring our hearts for missions, for third world nations, for those in poverty, and for orphans. I looked at our 2 little mini us’s and thought, “We’ve done this, why not give a home to baby that doesn’t have one?” If I had known then what I know now well…I would probably have a two year old third mini us and a baby on the way. But I didn’t. Like I said…”My head was in the clouds and my heart in love with a little brown baby from Ethiopia.”

This waiting has been heart wrenching, infuriating, depressing, and beyond frustrating. My head has moved from the clouds, down to somewhere near the dirt, and my heart became so sore that I stomped out all dreamy, loving feelings about this little one that will be ours…. I just got too tired of longing.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t suppose to have to harden my heart against our child before I even saw her face.

Our fourth child has stayed on our minds over the past three years as well. We had thought about adopting two from Ethiopia and were even officially open to it with our agency for several months. Then we decided we would look into adopting from Guatemala while here and started gathering all of the paperwork to become residents so that we could start the process shortly after arriving. But then our Ethiopian process doubled in difficulty and frustration, and we heard horror stories about other missionaries here in Guatemala who have been trying for years to adopt from here, and I knew I couldn’t do it again. So Blake and I made the final decision that we would not adopt again. I was in agreement but I was sad. And angry.

But I’m the biggest dreamer you’ll ever meet so I started dreaming about getting pregnant again for the first time in 9 years. A fourth child that would redeem the ugly that this adoption process has been. A baby / a process where I don’t have to answer to anyone, no social workers, notaries, police reports, annoying adoption agencies, family coordinators, or vague/ridiculous emails about why I am still waiting three years later when it was supposed to take less than a year. I will have a DUE DATE! A day to look forward to when I KNOW my little one will be in my arms.

This is normal isn’t it? Wanting to redeem the bad ourselves. Wanting to make sense of it all. Wanting to make everything better. Being sure that God has good things ahead that will delete the hard from our hearts and minds.

Sometimes I still let myself dream of my little Ethiopian girl…of meeting her and bringing her home. And hearing her call us Mommy and Daddy and seeing her snuggled up to Hope asleep in the quietness of the night. I imagine holding her and rocking her and praying for Jesus to heal her wounded soul.

That’s where I am this morning….forcing my heart to love her again. Because right now she IS somewhere and she DOES have a wounded soul and that precious little girl deserves a mommy who is longing for her. Who is heart sick for her. Who is praying constantly for her protection and for God to bring her home.

Are you in a similar place? Where your heart is exhausted from the waiting? Where you’d rather dream of something new than to cling on to that promise that causes you so much pain? I know. I know. I know. But would you do something? Would you cling with me today? Cling to that promise that seems like it will NEVER happen? Will you pray with your exhausted faith? Will you let yourself believe this pain is worth something?

Because the Bible says that when we set our heart on the pilgrimage…not on the final reward…but on the pilgrimage… then we are blessed.

“Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.” Psalms 84:5