Is there anyone out there like me – that when you get offended, misunderstood, treated unfairly, or just plain hurt you find yourself having scenario conversations in your head about what you would say if you confronted your offender?

I do.

God has helped me a lot with my tendency to be easily offended. I am learning to give people more grace, and to forgive quickly. Yet I still find myself with this HUGE (annoying) desire to let the person know the pain they caused me when I get hurt. But one thing I have learned is that when I DO decide to confront a situation, I rarely leave that conversation feeling any better. And often I feel worse.

God talked to my heart about that this week. He asked me,

“When you go to a person that has offended you, and you share your heart with them – what is the response that you are looking for?”

I started thinking about a couple of recent situations, as well as situations from the past, and realized that when it came right down to it, I more often than not, could not come up with a response that I DID want from the other person.

I felt like God showed me that wanting to confront someone that hurts me is *usually* just a scheme of the enemy to keep me from moving on. If I continue to entertain the possibility of confronting the person, then I will remain in that place of having these incessant scenario conversations in my head.

The Bible DOES talk about in Matthew 18 that you can confront a person that sins against you, but there are many, many, many more scriptures about offering grace, mercy, and limitless forgiveness.

So I’m making a deal with myself. No more scenario conversations. But instead one conversation with God: Do I confront the person? And I will ask Him that knowing that 9 times out of 10 (at least) the answer will be “no”.

I want to be strong. Strong in grace. Strong in mercy. Strong in love. It is OKAY to be misunderstood sometimes. It is not the end of the world to be treated unfairly. Experiences where we are hurt or offended give us the opportunity to draw near to God and have Him comfort us. We do not have to defend ourselves. We do not have to advocate for ourselves. We do not have to waste our time and thoughts on figuring out how to make things right for ourselves. God is more than able to defend us in His way and in His timing. He has called us to a life of love and grace. And if we stay near to Him, He will teach us how to do it.

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”
Proverbs 19:11

First thing: I am claustrophobic. Like really bad. If I had to guess the root, I would bet it was the numerous times I was held down for bone marrows and spinal tabs when I had Leukemia as a preschooler.

Second thing: Our whole family is going to missionary training school in January.

Okay now for the story: One morning while we were in Guatemala for our interview trip, we decided to get a real estate agent to show us some rent houses. She piled us into her small SUV. There were 8 of us in the vehicle. I was in the fold up back seat, squished between two people, with the seat in front of me pushing against my knees. I could immediately feel myself begin to panic. My chest was tight, I felt like crying, and I was trying to talk myself out of making a ridiculous scene. As we began the drive, the conversation started in the car around me, and I heard thru the fog of my “just held at bay” panic attack, that there would be an “activity” at the missionary training school where a bunch of people would be stuffed in a small, dark, under-ventilated room for an hour. The thought of going through that, while already at the verge of a nervous breakdown, was too much for me. I knew that I was going to have to do one of two things: start screaming to stop the car and let me out, or cry. As much as I HATE crying in front of people, I decided that was the best choice and started bawling my eyes. It was horrible. I wish I could press the delete button on those 15 minutes of my life.

Several weeks afterwards, I had a dream that I was at missionary training school and we were about to have to do THAT activity. I started begging the people in charge not to make me do it, and explaining to them how claustrophobic I was, and why I thought that I dealt with it so strongly. The people were very hateful, and made fun of me, and argued with me. Every once in awhile, though, they would stop and point to this man on the other side of the room and ask each other, “Do you know who that man is?” They would all shake their heads, shrug their shoulders, and then go back to taunting me. I was crying and pleading with them to please not make me do the activity, but the more upset I got, the harsher they became. The third time they stopped to ask about the man on the other side of the room, I turned around and caught his eye and asked him, “Are you here to help me?” He walked over, cupped my jaw with his hands, and said, “Yes, I have been sent here by the US embassy to help you.” (the US embassy part just proves I’m in the middle of adopting internationally) He then proceeded to tell my taunters that I would not be forced to do the activity. That for them to make me do it would be immoral, unethical, and now that he was there: it would be illegal. He told them that for me to get over my phobia, I needed to be under medical supervision, and that he was there to ensure that I would not be forced to do anything traumatic. The people backed down and walked away immediately. And then I woke up.

The most powerful part of my dream was the whole time my “advocate” was talking to my taunters, he was holding my face in his hands and looking at me with so much love. He never faced the others, he only looked at me. I knew when I woke up that my dream was from God. That it was His way of comforting me and promising to be my advocate and defender. While I felt such peace in my room, I also felt evil. I knew that there was real-life spiritual battle going on for my mind as I slept. But the peace won out, because I knew fully that God was and would be my protector and that He DOES have angels guarding me and ready to come to my defense.

No matter what situation you are in. No matter how scary it is. No matter how hopeless or dire. Even if you feel that you are about to suffocate or lose your mind, God is watching. God will step in. God will defend. God will advocate for you. And He will do it with so much love, it will blow your mind and make your heart melt in a puddle.

He is incredibly, unfathomably in love with you.

P.S. In my dream my “angel” was James Earl Jones.
Here is his picture. How cool is God for giving me a “face” for my angel.

Double Digits. Pre-teen. Only 8 more years at home.
He is still my baby. Doesn’t just sit beside me, but sits half on me. Begs me to lay in bed with him and get as close as I can get. There is so much I want for him; so many dreams, but God always whispers the same thing: “Let him be Camden.”

We missed his actual birthday this year. Blake and I were in Guatemala. Usually when we are away from the kids I don’t think about them too much. I know that sounds bad. But I trust their grandparents, and I enjoy a little break here and there since I am with them every day all day long. But in Guatemala, especially on his birthday, I thought of Camden and Hope constantly. I have moments where I wonder if I am being completely ignorant taking my children to live in a country that is beautiful and filled with amazing people, but also known for its violence. I know God loves my children more than I do, but I also know that He often doesn’t choose what I would choose. And oh how I want the power to choose. I want to choose for them to work hard in school, have good manners, and be obvious about their love for Jesus so everyone knows what a good job we are doing. I want them to look cute, and be brave and a little bit risky, but never get hurt. I want them to be hilarious at all the right times, and impressively serious when the time calls for it. And God whispers again: “Let them be Camden (and Hope).”

As I was lying in bed with Camden a couple of nights after his birthday, I asked Him what he wanted for himself this year. (of course I had to explain that I didn’t mean material possessions) He thought for a while and then he said, “I want to learn how to really stop and think about what will happen if I do things and not just do them without thinking.” I wanted to squeeze him. I did squeeze him.

Blake and I are going to need SO much wisdom parenting him this coming year. I can’t even imagine how he will adjust moving to Guatemala. He loves Brownsville, and feels very comfortable here. One night when he was having a particularly hard time with the thought of moving, my heart was just bleeding. I just felt terrible for bringing this pain to our little boy. I begged God to tell me what to do to make it better, and He spoke to me that there was nothing I could do. Camden was only going to be able to get peace from Him. After we hugged him and prayed for him, we left his room, but I knew we weren’t leaving him in there on his own. I am confident that when we left, God showed up.

And somehow in a way that only God can, He began to bring peace to Camden’s heart. He is doing so much better than he was. He has even had times of undeniable excitement and I am overwhelmed because I know that it was God. And that it was something personal between Camden and Him. It had nothing to do with me. As a mommy I want to control everything, but I know that I would just make a mess. I make little messes every day when my parenting turns to controlling instead of just being an instrument in God’s hand for Him to use when and how He wants.

So we will sell this precious 10 year old boy’s house, and his bed, and most of his toys. We will take him from his friends, his church, his soccer team, and his dog. And we will bring him with us to a country that looks different, sounds different, and feels different. But there is one thing that will stay the same.
When we tell him goodnight and close the door of his bedroom in Guatemala….
God will show up to meet him.

Happy 10th birthday Camden Bailey.

I am so excited about moving to Guatemala. I am so NOT excited about fundraising again. It wouldn’t be NEAR as bad if we hadn’t just ended 24 months of fundraising for our adoption, but we did.

In some ways I can see how GOD the timing is, because seeing $30,000 come from little, medium, and big size gifts from all over did amazing things for our faith. But the human side of me wants to tuck my tail between my legs and say, “Yes, the Davis family is asking for money again.”

I know in my heart that this is what church is. We are a body. It takes all of us. I know that He has specific people that He is calling to support us just as He has specifically called us to be the ones to go. I am so thankful that the only responsibility Blake and I have is to share our hearts. I am thankful that the outcome is God’s responsibility.

We have taken this step of faith because we are burdened for third world nations.
And because we love American teenagers and want to see them become passionate for the nations.
And because He has given us a love for Guatemala’s families, Guatemala’s widows, Guatemala’s children, Guatemala’s sick, Guatemala’s battered women, and Guatemala’s lost.

If God has given you a burden for Guatemala, or for the Spanish speaking people of Central American, or for the extreme impoverished, would you ask the Lord if He might be calling you to be part of our support? There is no pressure from us. We know there are so many worthy causes and great needs. All we are asking is for you to ask God. And when you think of us, please pray for us. We need more than finances. We need courage, wisdom, protection, and encouragement.

As time goes on, I will post updates about our financial needs. At this point we have only one need of $200 to finish up the amount we need for our down payment of the missionary training school we will go to in February. (mti.org) If you feel lead to give click on the link below. Your gift is tax deductible. Thank you.

When I was eleven years old I went on my first trip to Mexico. I was apart of our church’s program for 4th-12th grade girls. It was a nation wide program for girls in the Missionary Baptist Association. We were called the GMA’s. There was a national camp every year for all the different churches. Think Miss America pageant with an emphasis on World Missions. I was there for the Missions part and got sent back to my cabin one year for literally snorting when the newly nominated Miss GMA cried as she was crowned.

One year our group won the coveted prize awarded to the church that raised the most money for world missions. We got to take a trip to visit our Associations 3 missionaries in Mexico. I fell in love while I was there. The people. The culture. The missionaries. The mountains. The language. The fear mixed with excitement. My little 11 year old self was impacted more than I even knew how to express or even comprehend. One morning, while on the trip, I was having my quiet time up on a hill overlooking the mission’s medical clinic. After I read the Bible, I just sat in quietness and awe at the reality of where I was. A month ago I was sitting in my fifth grade class hoping the boy I liked noticed I had FINALLY been allowed to shave my legs, to now here I was sitting in the mountains in the center of Mexico looking at a line of a hundred or more Mexican Indians (I hope that’s politically correct) in line for medical care. My focus and attention became wrapped up in only that line of people, and it is almost like my heart began to beat differently. As I studied the bare feet, and the crying children, and the old, old hunched over ladies I felt myself being drawn in to their world. I suddenly wanted very badly to be able to talk to them, and to listen to them, and to help them, and to know them, and be known by them. It was absolutely life-changing, and I KNOW that God spoke a promise to me in that moment that this “wanting” that I was feeling was from Him. It was placed inside of me while I was being formed before birth. I WAS called to be apart of their world.

Blake became my boyfriend at that same camp where I went to GMA camp. We were there as junior counselors for a kids camp that time. I was 15 and he was 14. He wanted to be in the ministry too. So it was destiny right? And all the adults in our church said, “Yeah sure …..that’s what it is” and rolled their eyes. haha! We spent our high school years trying to be apart of any type of ministry opportunity that we could get involved in. He loved music and knew he wanted to be in music ministry. I wanted to be a wife to a husband in the ministry and have 4 kids. We would spend hours talking and dreaming and praying together asking the Lord what His exact plan was for our lives. Many times we would come up with a specific question for the Lord, pray separately and then come back the next day and talk about what we heard the Lord say. One thing that we both thought would be like the greatest job ever was if we could find a way to take teenagers on mission trips full-time. We dreamed up ways. Made plans. Typed up documents. One day this plan WOULD happen. We KNEW it!

After 3 years of Bible college, and 6 years of Blake working as an audio director at a church, God finally opened the door and lead us here to Brownsville where Blake has been a youth and worship pastor for the past 3 years. We LOVE Brownsville. We LOVE our church. We LOVE the huge Hispanic culture. We LOVE that we have learned SOOOOOO much and done it in a place with a gracious pastor and a loving and accepting congregation. God has been so good to us here.

Last October, Blake and I took a trip to the Dominican Republic to visit a ministry called Students International in hopes that we would be able to take our youth on a mission trip there in the future. While there, God began to re-kindle our passion for missions. We were very excited that we would have the opportunity to take our youth on a mission trip – a tiny part of our life-long dream. But then God did something kind of crazy….. The Students International director of all of their Central American countries asked Blake if he would ever be interested in being a Team Leader in one of their countries. The Team Leader is in charge of all of the teams of students coming on mission trips from the United States and Canada. This position does all the beforehand leg work of communicating with the teams, and then once they arrive they organize, oversee, and minister to the students the whole time they are in the country. When Blake came in our room and told me about the conversation, we just sat on the bed and stared at each other in disbelief. I finally asked him, “What are thinking?” And he answered, “I’m thinking this sounds WAY too much like our dream for us not to take it seriously.”

So we came home and prayed and prayed and prayed. Then in March I woke up at 6:30am on Blake’s birthday (it was a Saturday when Blake usually sleeps till at least 9). Blake was sitting up reading the Bible. Our room was filled with the presence of God to the point that I felt frightened. I couldn’t even move, but I managed to whisper,
“What’s wrong?” (can you say pessimist?) And he said, “God is talking to me.”
I whispered again, “What is He saying,” And he picked up his Bible and read to me:
“And Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.”
God’s telling me it’s time for us to go.

In May we told Students International that we wanted to talk about the position. In June we turned in our application, and in August we visited their ministry in Guatemala. Even before our trip, I began to study about Guatemala. I joined SI Guatemala’s facebook page and looked at all their three thousand or something pictures over and over and over. I began to fall in love even before we got there. Our trip was amazing. We immediately felt a connection with the staff. I can say that our official interview was one of the most amazing times of my life. It is hard to put into words, but it was the highlight of the trip, and the moment that we were the most sure that we were in the right spot at the right time. As our plane lifted off of the ground at the end of the week, I asked Blake, “Are you sad?” And he said, with so much emotion, just a simple, “Yes.” I was amazed at Blake the whole time we were there. He was so confident and determined to find out as much as he could, and to learn his way around, and he took pictures and videos of EVERYTHING! When I had my moments I wanted to hide under the bed and say, “Nevermind! I don’t want do this. I’m scared!”, he would hold me and talk quietly with so much conviction about how all the hard would be so worth it. It might have been my dream first, but I think God just knew that He needed to start preparing me WAY in advance so I would be brave enough to go when the time came.

So we are officially going to Guatemala! AGHHHH!!!! The preparation has begun! For the next 4 months Blake will continue to work at the church while we raise our funds and sell our house. In January and February, we have some required training we have to do. Then, depending on how our fundraising is going we will leave sometime in March or April. Guatemala here we come!!!!

PS – Our adoption is still a GO! We will have to put ourselves on hold for a few months between Dec-Apri, but once we are settled and get a new homestudy we will be back on that dang list waiting for our precious Ethiopian. But if God can make THIS dream happen, bringing our baby to us will be a piece of cake.

I have been a Christian since I was seven years old. 24 years of loving Jesus. And yet my heart is still full of pride and insecurity and fear and jealousy. I feel like I go through seasons that those imperfections stay hidden so well that I begin to think I am doing pretty good. That just maybe I am departing the land of spiritual (and emotional) infantdom.(I’m ignoring the red squiggly line that tells me that’s not a word.) And then there are times where life gets stressful and relationships get hard and things don’t happen like I imagined, and out of me spills all the crap that I thought I’d finally managed to outgrow.

I am 100% female emotion. Minus the fact that I rarely cry. I am so emotional right now I am not fit for society, but for the life of me I can’t make myself do anything more than get a few tears to pile up in my eyeballs. You see, I cried about 4 weeks ago so it’s going to be at least the end of October before I can release these ridiculous female emotions in a good slobbering, snotty girl cry. I’m counting down the days. The last time I cried I was in public and had to cut it off as fast as I could. Dang it why didn’t I find a quiet spot and just sob for half an hour.

I am so very tired of responding emotionally to everything.
I am fed up with feeling my heart shatter when I am criticized
or wanting to retaliate when I am hurt
or wanting to prove to people that I am worthy when I think they’ve misinterpreted me or worse when they’ve accurately seen my ugly.

Last night I asked God in my complete brokeness,

“How do I change this about myself?”
“How do I teach myself not to feel things so deeply?”
“How do I GROW THE HECK UP!”
“How do I make you proud?”
“How do I become worthy of the opportunities you are giving me?”
“How do I get to the point where I always respond the righteous way?”
“How do I become perfect?”
“How do I get to the place that I am ALWAYS just your girl and nothing else sways me?”

I have had 2 women come to me for advice in the past 18 hours and both times I wanted to say, “Do you KNOW how messed up I am? Do you KNOW how un-together I am? Please – you counsel me, and medicate me while you’re at it!”

I read a blog this week by my friend Melissa (http://destinyinbloom.com/when-good-and-hard-hold-hands/) about how sometimes its okay NOT to be okay. Those are the words I have been hearing from Jesus this past week. “
“It’s okay to NOT be okay.”
A couple of nights ago I was dealing with some major anger and self-condemnation and crying out for God to show me what to do with all the feelings. And I heard him whisper,

“Let the feelings wash over you like waves. Waves of anger. Waves of doubt. Waves of disappointment. Waves of shame. YOU WILL NOT DROWN. Don’t struggle and scream and claw. Just be still and trust that the waves will calm, your head will come above water, and the sun will shine.”

It took me about 24 hours to find myself struggling, screaming, and clawing – trying to save myself again. I am a real quick learner and a real quick forgetter. But I have a feeling I will have about 10 million more chances to get it right.

I can’t teach myself not to feel, but I can teach myself how to respond to my feelings. My feelings will not kill me. My feelings will not control me (One day in the future I hope its sooner than later).

My feelings are waves.
My feelings are tests.
My feelings are opportunities.

Opportunities
To teach me to be still.
To teach me to wait.
To teach me to hope.
To teach me listen.
To teach me to surrender.
To teach me to believe.

To believe
That hard times end.
That feelings lie.
That I am stronger than I think.
That God is my defender.
That I can find ways to grow in EVERY situation no matter how dark.
And That God stands in the waves beside me.

My heart is aching for others that are feeling the same way. Because it feels SOOOOO lonely to think you’re drowning. I know I’m not the only one struggling to breathe, while the other part of you thinks maybe you should just go under and not come back up. (okay that’s a little dramatic – but sometimes being dramatic just feels good)

I’m near-drowning beside you friend. Wishing I was a hot blonde Californian in a bikini with a surfboad, rather than the “frizzy haired, squeezing in my capris, hold me back I have issues” girl that I see when I look at myself in the mirror.
The waves are going to calm, we’ll find us a used surfboard on sale at Goodwill, and then we’ll put on our tankini’s and board shorts and float on it while we soak up the rays of the sun.

This is going to get better.

My poor, neglected blog. I am so sorry, and I just KNOW my readers have deserted me. I couldn’t wait any longer to at least say SOMETHING! The reason I haven’t blogged in almost a month is because our life is about to change DRASTICALLY, and I haven’t been able to talk about it!! But in ONE WEEK I will be free to talk about it all I want and talk about it I WILL!!!

SOoooooo…….STAY TUNED!!!

PS It has nothing to do with our adoption. Well almost nothing.

PSS (or is it PPS) I’m not pregnant!!

No more. Zipping my lips!

The countdown has begun!

We had a little family competition today…  Here are the photos. Hope definitely wins the gold. Camden’s silver. And I gotta say I think I came in a few tenths higher than Blake…….

8 Things I LOVE about our Hopie!!

1. She says the funniest things. Seriously.
For instance on the way home tonight she lifted up her shirt squeezed together her belly fat and said, “Look at this Mommy. All of this has been hiding under my shirt for years!”

2. She is a great helper.
Now I just need to work harder to LET her help and stop feeling like I have to do everything myself so it will be up to my standard!

3. She is brave.
I was scared to do everything when I was a kid; so it makes me so happy to see her do things that take guts. We went indoor rock climbing a couple of months ago and she wouldn’t even rest. She was just climbing one wall after another. She’s my hero.

4. She loves to sing.
I have told most everyone I know about this, but a few months ago we were riding in the car and she said, “Mommy, I want to be a singer when I grow up. I kind of wanted to be a singer like Kari Jobe, but now I think I will be more like Justin Bieber because I can’t think of many words that rhyme with Jesus.”

               
5. She is so cute.
I love that she stands out. I love her curly hair. I love her freckles. I love her dimpled smile. I love her eyes.

6. She loves her daddy.
They are so close. They need each other. When she hasn’t had enough daddy time we all know it!! I am so glad that they have each other.

7. She loves her brother.
She sleeps in his bed with him every night. Every few months we decide that she needs to sleep in her own bed, but before long she’s talked us into letting her sleep in there again. They talk at least an hour every night. Even after a day of fighting and bickering ALL day long, you can hear them in there whispering long after they should be asleep.

8. She’s mine.
I always feel a little guilty saying this, but the happiest day of my life was the day I found out she was going to be a girl. She was my very first dream. A baby girl of my very own.

Happy Birthday to my Sweetie Hopie! You bring me so much happiness!!

It has been awhile since I have taken pictures of the kids. Since December I think. So I decided on the 4th to torture them for a little bit and make them model for me. I love just staring at their pictures after I upload and edit them. I love how different they look from each other. I am intrigued for the millionth time that I have 2 blue eyed children. I am enjoying them more and more as they get older although sometimes I would pay a lot of money to have them little bitty again for just one day. I treasure those moments when they say or do things that are still just so darn cute because as each year passes there are less and less of those moments….as they trade cute in for a bit more maturity. Yesterday Hope asked me where the wienie hot dog covers were….she meant the hot dog buns. Now that’s just priceless stuff I won’t get in a year or two.