We left Brownsville this past Sunday, and have spent the last few days with my family for Christmas. It has been really nice to be with everyone again. My nephews and niece are so much fun. The food was amazing and seeing my parents after so many months has been so great!

We visit our first church this Sunday. Blake is teaching youth Sunday school, and we are showing a Students International promo video during service. It’s the church that Blake lead worship at as a senior in high school and we both worked with the kids. The pastor married us. He made a lasting impact on us because he believed in us. There’s not much that means more than someone believing in you. Then on Wednesday Blake and I will be flying to Visalia, California to attend new staff training at Students International’s headquarters.

I had a moment (okay an hour) of gripping fear during the night last night. Although money has poured in for our start up costs, we are still far from what we need in our monthly support. And our goal is to leave in nine weeks. We are in need of some miraculous provision. This morning my faith feels stronger, my hope more sure, and my confidence in the steadfastness of the Lord more certain. Our God who called us is faithful. Let’s see how He does this!

Never write a blog about how joyful and peaceful you are. It’s like a personal challenge to the devil. Don’t you hate when little, stupid things become life-suckers? When your mind mulls over a small hurt or disappointment until you feel heart-shattered? My goal this year is to learn how to take captive my thoughts. I kept hearing God say to me today. “Christina, find your center.” I knew what He meant… I could almost see it through the fog of my emotions. My spirit; the secret place where God waits; the redeemed part of me that isn’t self-absorbed. But I couldn’t find it, and quite honestly God didn’t seem into helping me find it either. So that’s what I’m talking to Him about tonight… Telling Him I am perfectly aware that He has His hands full with me. Telling Him if I am going to become holy, He’s going to have to drag my stubborn emotions in the right direction. But I admit there is one positive factor that has come out of this, I feel desperate for Him tonight. Above everything in my chaotic brain, is a desire to learn how to be quick to find my center when my emotions try to take the reigns. I want to be spirit lead and Spirit controlled.

II Corinthians 10:5, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”

As unusual as this December has been, I am filled with peace and joy this morning more so than holidays past. I feel such a sense of honor at where we are in this moment…the end of one journey and the beginning of another. A man that my husband and I both respect told us this week that God likes to keep us in a constant state of learning how to depend fully on Him. Once we think we know what it is to trust Him, He will give us a bigger opportunity to trust Him. Those words solidified two things for me: #1 This is a privilege: selling everything, leaving, going….. #2 God IS going to take care of us.

My heart always jumps a little at the word “nations”.

“He rules the world with truth and grace and makes the nations prove. The glories of his righteousness and the wonders of His love.”

So thankful that God buries things in our hearts…..like “going to the nations.” And then He fulfills them. The other night I was worrying about our house selling. And God whispered, “When I brought you through cancer, I did it so that you could go to the nations. When I brought Blake through cancer, I did it so he could go to the nations. I have been working out these details since you were a little girl. I am not going to drop the ball now. You can trust me.”

Yesterday a sweet lady in our church gave us $100 and told us to do something special for our kids at Christmas. She said, “God told me this specifically.” I know Blake and I were thinking the same thing. The list of things we will need $100 for in the near future: plane tickets to Guatemala, language school, a vehicle, ect… But God spoke to us too, “I have those things covered AND I want you to do something special with your kids. I can handle both.” So today we are going to the movies AND getting popcorn and drinks. I’m not sure what we will do after that, but movie and snacks is definitely on the agenda. Although I feared this Christmas would feel full of lack, God has ensured that it hasn’t.

I think that not having so much causes you to enjoy life more….if you let it. Since we put our house up for sale I have been wanting to get a really good candle to make our house smell yummy. While at my mother in law’s house, I was helping her clean out a closet and we pulled out a box full of candles. I tried not to sound too excited, but I quickly asked her if I could have one. She said, “Sure have as many as you want.” I picked two. And those candles have made me so happy the past few weeks. I love how my house starts smelling like Christmas….all warm and inviting. And I just have this knowing that I am enjoying those candles much more than I would if I had a stash of them. It’s kind of like Hope’s bed. It’s the only piece of furniture we are keeping. It’s going to stay at my parent’s house. Besides a couch and love seat that hasn’t been picked up yet, it is the only piece of furniture in our house at the moment. We moved it into our room and Blake and I are sleeping in it. Every time I come into our room, every time I sit on it, I am happy. I can’t explain it. But I treasure it now that I’m not surrounded by stuff. And you know what else I treasure more? My children. And Blake. As we abandon all that is familiar, all that is comfortable, all that is secure, I am floored by how blessed I am to have a husband and children. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for our health. I feel so blessed that it brings tears to my eyes that we have food to eat, parents to house us during our transition, and church congregations from our past who are welcoming us to come all the Sundays until we leave.

I wish this Christmas that you would make a resolution to create lack for yourself this coming year. Pilfer through all of the excess and decide you’re sick of it, give more than your gut wants to give, wrestle until you cry about whether or not you REALLY trust Jesus enough to surrender everything, dare to ask God to do something absurd with your life, and determine to worship Him like you never have before.

Worship like all the crazy pentecostals: raise your hands, dance, kneel, shout…..but do it in your room by yourself. Because when you worship God like a wild person all by yourself, you start out feeling like a lunatic. Later, however, when you’re worshiping corporately, or you hear a sermon or read a book about surrender you realize you know what that is, and you think back to that time you worshiped in your room like a lunatic. Private worship is the first step in learning how to surrender.

I remember when I was 17 years old and attending a Baptist university. A couple of times a week, when I knew my roommate wasn’t coming back for awhile, I would lock the doors, turn on the Passion ’98 CD and worship. I pretty much just went through the motions, because above my desire to worship was a cold fear that my roommate might come back to get a forgotten book or something and find me kneeled on the ground with my hands raised. I honestly didn’t think I got a thing out of those times. But looking back, that year was the year Jesus solidified my calling. My calling to the nations, my calling to be a mom, and my calling to surrender. I didn’t realize it in those fearful and distracted moments of worship, but I don’t doubt that it was BECAUSE of those moments of worship that God worked overtime in my heart.

So worship. And give. And wait. And trust. He is worth all of that and much, much more. Merry Christmas.

I am a girl under conviction right now… The other night I was reading James 1. One of my favorite chapters because of the last verse.

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

But this time it was like the verse before it was in bold.

“Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.”

You can adopt orphans until you’re house is overflowing, you can help widows for the rest of your days, but if you’re tongue is out of control that pure religion is worthless.

So my prayer the past few days has been, “God, my tongue is yours.” And I know for my tongue to be affected, my thoughts need a revival as well. I’m pretty darn honest about myself on this blog, but admitting that I don’t have control of my tongue a lot of the time is a whole new pot of honesty. My dilemma that I am bringing to God now is, “God teach me how to use my tongue in a way that brings you honor without becoming an over spiritual “praise the Lord” gushie. It seems kind of odd to ask God to help me not become over spiritual, but I’m doing it anyway. However, while I am at it, I am asking God to help me love and admire the spiritual “praise the Lord” gushies and quit asking questions in my head like, “I wonder if when they stub their toe when they’re alone, if they cuss?” Because seriously whether they let a cuss word slip or not, how admirable is it that they are always so chirpy? It is probably because they spend a lot more time with God in the morning than I do. So take that me.

Yesterday we took the kids to the zoo. I am so very proud of them right now. Their lives are changing so much. Christmas is a little blah since we aren’t decorating or putting up a tree and we don’t get to be with family. But they haven’t complained at all. We spent four hours at the zoo yesterday and every minute was special. Right before walking in I read about the shootings in Connecticut and it only made me value the time even more. Life is so precious.

Tomorrow they are in the kids choir program at church. They both have parts, and I am thankful the lights will be low so no one will see me wiping my eyes like a granny. Tomorrow is also mine and Blake’s twelve year anniversary. Next year we will be teenagers.

Here’s to a weekend of treasuring our children, making memories, and controlling our tongue.

I am up before everyone this morning. Not that it’s that early. I fell asleep on the couch last night and slept all night with my make up on. I think it is the only time I have ever done that. As soon as I woke up I went upstairs to wash my face and found Camden and Blake asleep in our bed and Hope asleep on the floor in Camden’s room. We are so weird.

We had our big garage sale this past weekend; selling all of the stuff that we have accumulated over the past twelve years. We have sold just about all of our furniture to friends in the area, but they are letting us hold on to it. But this weekend it all goes and for the last 2 weeks we will live with a bed and an air mattress. It will be fun. I will take pictures.

I have mentioned it before, but we have 3 needs. Our house to sell, money for start up costs, and monthly supporters. This week, in a span of 3 days, we received a huge chunk of our start up costs. Yesterday we paid the $6,400 balance for missionary training school. We will be attending this school as a family in January. A week ago I wondered how on earth we were going to pay that exuberant amount of money due in less than a month, and today it is completely paid in full! We also have $2500 set aside and waiting for us to buy plane tickets and pay shipping to get us our luggage to Guatemala. AND we have another $6,000 set aside for language school which should cover it. OUR GOD IS INCREDIBLE!! The start up costs we still have to raise is for a vehicle and house furnishings in Guatemala.

One thing outside of financial stuff that I can get a little apprehensive about sometimes, is the thought of how much Blake and I will be together over the next five months. Our marriage is good. Like people would hate me if I would elaborate on how good it is. And I count down the minutes until he is home every day, and wish he only had to work 2-3 days a week. But for the next two months of our trainings and fundraising, and then the first three months in Guatemala at language school, we will be together every day all day long. Like absolutely no time for absence to make the heart grow fonder. I am praying for us, that we can be patient with each other and savor the positive aspects of togetherness. I know that it depends 90% on me. Blake is laid back and undemanding. I can be uptight, stressed out, and DEmanding. And the more uptight I get, the more laid back Blake gets which causes me to get even MORE uptight until finally Blake has enough and gives me a piece of his mind and then I cry and well it’s all just really un-called for. So my goal the next five months? RELAX! Not as in be lazy, but as in live calmly. Take one day at a time, Hug and laugh and focus on what will bring peace.

Hope is up. Laundry needs folding. School needs starting. People need feeding. Thursday, here we come.

My brain is on overload right now with all that we are trying to do to be ready to leave Brownsville in 4 weeks. But I designated a time to blog today because I want to capture in writing some of the things that God has been doing in our circumstances and in my heart.

On leaving our church and city.

I love change. I crave change. Leaving is not hard for me like it is for many people. This morning, however, I was thinking of friends that I have made here that have been true, supportive, would go to battle for me friends. Friends that saw me for exactly who I am and decided they were cool with me. They spoke truth to me when I needed to hear it, but somehow in a way that I never felt condemned. They didn’t knit pick me or put expectations on me. They laughed at my awkward humor and tolerated my more than occasional un-pastor wifely commentary. They were my mentors and my sisters and my encouragers. And I will miss them more than I want to admit to myself. But because they changed me, invested in me, and opened up their own hearts and lives to me – I carry a part of each of them with me. Anything good I am privileged to do in Guatemala I do with the deposits they made in my spiritual and emotional DNA.

On fundraising.

I started out despising it. There are 2 major realities right now: #1 the economy is bad #2 there are 100,000 other worthy people and causes also fundraising. But God has done a MAJOR overhaul on my attitude. He continues to work on me sometimes hour by hour. There have been some hard times like things we were expecting from our church falling through, and unexpected, expensive car repairs, and spending useless money to get our house put on the MLS. I have had moments that disappointment weighed on my heart like a ton of mud. Yes, mud. It was more blobby than bricky. But it was through all of this that I was forced to realize that we were sunk. There was no way we were going to Guatemala without a miracle. A big one. One morning I wailed to God, “What are we going to do? What if none of our church contacts or family or friends supports us?” And God quickly responded to my anxiety and whispered, “Even if no one you know helps you – it is okay. Because I know everybody.” A thrill rushed my spirit as I considered how true that was! Sure enough our biggest supporter so far has been a couple that we have never even met. God is our networker. In whom shall I fear? Another thing that God showed me is that fundraising is a part of our calling. Our calling to Guatemala is not just about Guatemala. It is not as though, if we go to Guatemala the country is saved, and if we don’t go God is going to be in this big quandary. This whole thing is also about our hearts. And the way that we are having to learn to trust, depend, listen, obey, and long for the voice of God is a mega part of God’s plan in all of this.

On Guatemala.

I have always wrestled with fear. It’s been a problem. Since our visit to Guatemala in August, there has been a volcano eruption, a destructive earthquake with many fatalities, a missionary and her family robbed at gunpoint, and a missionary shot several times and still in critical condition the last time I checked. Add that to the different violent acts in US embassies throughout the world, and I have good reason to see my fear problem go a little bezerk. But that has not been the case. The best I can explain is that God has been growing boldness inside of me. I feel braver, stronger, and more confident than I have ever felt in my life. I want to be all up in Guatemala’s business without fear holding me back. I want to hold the sick, and hug the dirty, and love on the desolate. I want to be worried about people more than I am worried about myself. I want my life to be a song of living-sacrifice worship, not a sad tune of self-perseverance and promotion. I want to become Guatemalan and feel foreign when I come to the US on furlough. I want to stand up on my roof with pompoms and shout “GOOOOOO Guatemala!”

Closing.

Please continue to pray for us. We have seen that when we ask for prayer, things turn for the better almost immediately. Our number one request right now is for our house to sell. My dad called me today and told me that a few days ago when he was praying for us, he felt like God showed him that Satan was having a little party with our house so he started interceding. Looking back that was probably the same day we realized that our house has not even been on the correct MLS. Realtors have not even been seeing it. So this week we are meeting with a realtor, believing that it will be a worth-while investment! Our hope and prayer is to have our house sold by the day we leave Brownsville on December 30th. Would you agree with us on that? Secondly would you join with us and pray for the handful of churches that we are still waiting to respond to us on whether or not they would be willing to support us? Lastly, Wednesday evening we have a meeting with ten families in our church that we are asking to support us. Would you pray for God to be all over, in, under, and around this meeting? Thank you so very much for taking the time to pray for us. It means more than we can say. It WILL make a difference.

Goooooo Guatemala!

I am so thankful for those times that God speaks to my heart in a way that I know will re-write my story.

Today I was in my room organizing bills and mail and school work…and the whole time my mind was just so full of the whirlwind of questions that I had been asking God throughout the day, but not really expecting Him to answer.

But then He interrupted me. That brings tears to my eyes as I dwell on that: God Most High interrupted my mess of thoughts to bring clarity to the rush of questions that had been weighing me down.

It was just a few words, but they came with waves of understanding. I adore that about God; that when He draws near His presence alone can bring instantaneous freedom.

You see I have been doing a whole lot of self evaluating the past year. I have been searching out my personality, my responses and reactions, and focusing often on my faults. I have been dividing my weaknesses and faults and tendencies into categories of “must change” or “this is who I am and that is okay.” My blogs the past year have often been outflows of this self-evaluation season in which I’ve been slowly but steadily trudging.

It has been a hard season. It has been a needed season. I have learned a lot about myself. I have seen all the ways I don’t measure up written in book that I have had to read page by page. I am left knowing that I am an utter mess on my own. I am desperate, desperate for God’s grace. I am left aching for His embrace.

But today God’s words to me brought about a new season. I know it and I am relieved in the knowing.

This is what I heard whispered so strongly in my heart:

“Don’t be so quick to define who you are. To yourself or anyone else.”

He was giving me permission to take that book of my faults that I have been studying over the past several months and throw it away. He told me to reject it. He lead me through these months of seeing my weaknesses, and today He told me that He was bigger than that shameful book. God’s grace is so strong that He can take me and do whatever He wants with me. I never have to look at those unsightly things about my personality and feel that I am not good enough or that I am incapable. He can use me tomorrow in a completely different way than He used me today. That book defining who I am is only going to get in the way. Because who I am is beside the point. All that matter’s is who HE is. And He has chosen me. He has adopted me. All that I am is His.

I know I’m not the only one that has seen myself and wished that I could re-make who I saw. Wished that I could rewind time and represent myself as someone different to people. Someone more spiritual, more sophisticated, more fun, more compassionate, more authoritative. But we can’t rewind time. And we know we would feel like frauds if we tried to falsely represent ourselves. But maybe, today, God wants to show you the same thing as He showed me. That when He sees you – He just sees you as His. He sees you as anything and everything that He created you to be yesterday, today, tomorrow, and ten years down the road. You would be blown away if you knew how God was going to use you DESPITE all your previously believed limitations. But I know that you and I…..we have to let go of all the hypothesis we have made about ourselves. In fact, we just have to take our focus off of ourselves all together. It’s time to put our focus on a perfect, loving, and fierce God.

He has plans. And they include you.

1. I am thankful for my parents.
I remember losing a pair of terrific purple and pink suspenders when I was in the first grade. I was devastated. As I cried to my mom she said something that I’ve never forgotten, “You were fine before you had them, and you’ll be fine now that they’re gone.” I have gone back to that so many times, and I am sure I will hundreds of times again. There are only 2 things that I can think of that I won’t ever be able to say that about: My mom and dad. I have always had them.

2. I am thankful to be a Leukemia survivor
Thankful that when all treatments were still experimental – I was chosen for the one that worked for me. With a whole lot of God mixed in.

3.I am thankful that I went to an amazing Christian school from Kindergarten to Seventh Grade
I learned lots of scripture. I had amazing teachers. I had good friends. It was a safe place.

4. I am thankful that I was homeschooled from 8th-11th grade
I never got through geometry or chemistry, but I did a whole lot of babysitting, child evangelism ministry, studying about third world countries, and learning Spanish…all of which have been a heck of a lot more beneficial to me than chemistry or geometry ever would have been. Plus I still managed to get a good enough ACT score to get into college a year early and and do well the two semesters I was there.

5. I am thankful for my year at ETBU when I was 17/18
I was able to get away from the life and people that I had always know and confirm what I was passionate about: missions and Blake.

6. I am thankful for my year of teaching when I was 18/19
My mom started a Christian school, so between my year at ETBU and going to Bible college, I taught a 1-3 grade combined class. I don’t think I have ever had more fun. I couldn’t wait for Mondays and I thought Christmas vacation would never end. I seriously could have taught at that school for years and years and years.

7. I am thankful for my years at CFNI
I got married while I was at CFNI AND had my first baby so those three years were probably the most life changing so far. It is kind of hard to identify anything else as being HUGELY important compared to that. Blake and Camden kind of stole the show.

8. Trinity Family Church
Our first church as a married couple. Pastor Ron, a man in his late 70′s, was our pastor. He and his wife Mrs. Carol believed in us like no one ever has. I am still humbled by that. I still use that as a center in my life. Pastor Ron believed God was going to use me in a mighty way. I can’t let the enemy lie to me. I trust the God that spoke to me through Pastor Ron. He is with Jesus now and that still gives me a lump in my throat.

God has been
Faithful and Gracious
Mighty and Good

Blake took off work yesterday and we took one last trip to South Padre. We REALLY, REALLY wanted to be able to swim in a pool after we went to the beach, so we splurged and spent the night in a hotel. We were gone for 24 hours, and it was worth every penny.

When we finally got to the island, checked into our hotel, and dragged all of our stuff down to the beach, I plopped into my chair, watched the kids race to the water, and immediately began praying about our fundraising. It is on my heart and mind constantly. We know that God has shown us that He wants this process to be a learning experience for us….learning to hear His voice and be lead by the Spirit. He has shown us that He alone will show us how to raise the finances that we need. We will not find the answers in a book or a formula or a person. We will find the answers through Him. So all that to say, for my mind to go straight to praying about fundraising is common these days. But yesterday as I began to pray, God spoke to my heart and said, “Let it go for now, Christina. Just enjoy this time.” So that’s what I did. I rolled onto my stomach, closed my eyes and focused on the sun soaking into my skin, and the sound of the waves and the sea gulls, and the smell of saltwater and sunscreen. The next thing I knew I was waking up with drool running down my chin. I’m sure I looked just lovely to the people strolling the beach.

Camden and Hope had a blast. I think it was good for them to see us relax. One time Camden just looked at us, smiled really big, and said, “We are on vacation.” I wanted to eat him up.

We had Subway and DQ Blizzards for dinner. We went for a late night swim in the heated pool. Why it was heated is an unsolved mystery. Spending the night in a hotel was so exciting that none of us slept well. But excitement is worth it, and the kids will be ready for bed early tonight. Double Goodness! Our stay included free breakfast and it was super yummy. I think we were the only people under 60 staying in the hotel. We felt like we were eating breakfast in a nursing home or retirement community. We sat with 2 sweet old ladies. They were sisters and both loved to talk. We all thought they were adorable. Then one of them cussed and my kids’ eyes got big. It was a little funny.

Three hours into our beach time today, a rainstorm came in. I might have been bummed, except that I knew it was bringing in a cool front. An arctic front that is actually going to make it all the way to us. The high tomorrow? 65 degrees. OH MY WORD!! On the way home our temperature reader thing dropped to 69 degrees and I squealed until Blake told me to quiet myself.

Anyway back to the vacation, we ran from the beach, but took a long dip in the heated pool, and then changed clothes to head to our favorite restaurant before heading home.

A story from my past: When I was 18 my parents took us to South Padre for our last family vacation while all 3 of us siblings were still living at home. It was a wonderful week of the beach, good restaurants, fun family time, and even a shopping trip across the border into Mexico. The night before our last day, I told everyone that it had been almost a perfect week. All that was left was that I would really, really like to see dolphins. The next morning; our last morning on the beach, I look up from the book I’m reading to see a group of dolphins playing and jumping out in the ocean in front of me. It was a fantastic moment of knowing that God had done that just for me.

 

In all the times we have been to South Padre the past three and a half years, we have never seen a dolphin. And then today (drum roll for real please) as we sat down at our favorite restaurant, and all turned to look out the window, there in the water was a DOLPHIN. It swam and jumped right outside our window the entire time. How gloriously incredible is our God. It was our last time. Our last day at the beach. And God did it just for us.

10 more weeks until the end of our time in Brownsville. I feel like for the past week or so, I have been in a constant state of evaluating my time here; evaluating my decisions, my personality, my posture towards ministry, friendships, and my role as a first time “pastor’s wife”.

I have asked myself a LOT of questions. Who am I? (welcome back middle school) How much of who I am should I accept? What is God wanting me to change about myself? How much of the natural me do I take to Guatemala, and how much do I bury here in my Brownsville backyard? And is that even possible?

I am a very open person. I am real. I fail at putting on a show or a face or a front. If it’s fake, I’m pretty sure everyone knows it, so I’ve completely given it up. I will tell anyone anything about me. I will pour my heart out to you and tell you anything and everything you would ever want or not want to know about me within an hour of knowing you. And if you are open with me, I will love you and adore you and want to take you home to live in my house. I will laugh hysterically at your funny stories and my eyes will well with tears and my heart will nearly burst with pain if you share your heartaches. I will feel very close to you very quickly.

But I struggle with letting people stay close.
I struggle with wanting to be around groups of people in purely social situations.
I struggle with maintaining relationships if it means I have to talk on the phone.

I am an open introvert.
I want to be REAL and DEEP with people.
But I also want a lot of personal space.
But then I want to be REAL and DEEP again.
But then don’t forget about that personal space.

I love to talk in front of groups of people.
I love to blog and write facebook statuses.
I love to go out to dinner with 1-3 girlfriends and talk for hours.
I love to have families over and watch them interact with their kids and discover and appreciate the similarities and differences between our families.

But I feel uncomfortable with small talk. I HATE that moment when I’m at a party and everyone is in a conversation with someone except for me, and I begin frantically wondering if I should butt into a conversation or just stand there and sip my punch. I leave pretty much every gathering going over everything I said and praying that no one took it the wrong way. It is just exhausting. So often I bail out. I choose a night at home with my family, or resale shopping with a friend, or taking a walk with my neighbor over a birthday party or bridal shower or girls brunch.

And in my evaluation the last few days, I find myself wondering….. Should I have tried harder? Should I have gone to more get togethers? Should I have picked up the phone more often? Should I have forced an outgoing attitude even when I was craving my safe distance? Is it okay to just be who I am? To be comfortable in my own skin? To love the way that comes natural? Or are these just excuses?

Seeking Him for answers still……..