Today was our last full day of MTI. Tomorrow we have devotionals and worship in the morning, and then it’s time to head to Texas. I thought I’d just take some time to “process through blogging” some of the things I appreciated.

1.Hearing other people validate the roller coaster of emotions that come with fundraising. The awkwardness, the frustration, the rejection, the anticipation, the amazement, and the excitement.
2. Grieving with other people who, like us, are so excited about moving and ministering in another country, but are also mourning the loss of leaving behind the security of home and the people that they love.
3. Worshiping with other people of all different denominations, from all over the world, with all different experiences, who will be journeying all over the world, and seeing the love of Jesus radiating from every face.
4. I didn’t have to cook, wash towels and sheets, do dishes, or clean for 3 WEEKS!!!
5. Huge growth in our marriage because when you are processing deep stuff in your personal life it causes you to, in turn, process deep stuff in your marriage.

6. Watching my kids attach so quickly to the other kids here, and recognizing that means they will be able to make friends in Guatemala.
7. Learning SOOOOOO much about embracing a new culture. That’s like 5 blogs on it’s own that I won’t post because it’s not applicable to most people, and I don’t want to bore you!
8. Getting together with great friends that live here in the area that we haven’t seen in a long time.
9. Being in the mountains. I love it. I love it. I love it. Add to that being able to see snow! Nothing prettier than watching snow fall on the mountains, and seeing the trees slowly turning white.
10. Surrendering to Jesus my timetable. If we get to go to Guatemala on March 7th like planned – I can rejoice in that miracle. If we can’t then I can trust God with joy and peace that He will get us there when He wants us to be there, and He will provide for us in the meantime.

11. Solidifying in my heart that I REALLY have a heart for young adults. Secretly my favorite part of youth ministry was hanging out with our youth leaders (all of them singles in their late teens and twenties) I LOVED them. I miss them: Greg, Manny, Kevin, Cindy, and Renee. I adored all of the single missionaries that are here this week. My favorite meal was the one that Blake was sick (bless his heart) so I sat with a bunch of the singles. It’s funny since I have no experience at all being single. I went from a kid to married, but I don’t care – I love them, and am super excited that I will get the chance to work with college students and young adults as a part of our work in Guatemala.
12. A greater desire to study the Bible. I didn’t agree theologically with a few things said here and there by our teacher. But I respected him a lot and learned a lot and soaked up the 98% of the stuff he said that didn’t raise red flags in my spirit. But for the 2% of things I didn’t agree with, I couldn’t wait to find scriptures to back up what I believed. I want to be sure that what I believe has scriptural backing. I was also relieved that I was able to #1 not be swayed in what I believed just because he is an intelligent guy that I respect and #2 that I kept from becoming critical of him just because we had some theological differences.
13. I prayed a few days before getting here that God would bring back my desire to adopt from Ethiopia because my fire was beginning to die…. We arrived to find an amazing couple attending with us with Ethiopian twins – 3 year old girls. They are darling! I made myself keep my distance so I wasn’t tempted to cling to them and cry. Desire has returned in full force.
14. Renae. We met her here. She is with a different ministry than us, but she will be living in the same area of Guatemala as us. Blake, Hope and I are super excited. I’m sure Camden is too, he just won’t admit it. We plan for her to be Aunt Renae.
15. I loved my growth group girls. We were all in different stages in life with different personalities, but we got close and shared deep and prayed hard.

I could go on, but I need to shower. Today we prayed for everyone in a huddle, and the room was hot. It took 2 hours. There was a lot of touching and close contact. Yes, indeed, I need a shower.

Happy Weekend! Oh and please oh please pray for an uneventful trip home!

Today was the most challenging day for me at MTI so far. We were put into small groups during our first week. There are 6 ladies in my group including me. Today our group was supposed to go “waste time together”.
We went to a tea house.
In an old antique house.
With $10 sandwiches.
And you got to choose your own tea cup out of the collection of tea cups.
And everything was proper
and girlie
and fancy.
And if you know me at all you’re probably laughing about now.
I wanted to say, “Would just two of you like to leave and go to sonic and get a cheeseburger and a coke and just hang out in the car and talk?” We could talk one at a time and get 20 minutes each and pour out the worst and best moments of our lives. But I didn’t of course. I ate my $10 sandwich and sipped my water (because of course I don’t like coffee or hot tea – I do what I can to be weird I guess) and tried to act comfortable while inside I was totally stressing out about whether I should but into 5 women all trying to talk and add my thoughts here and there or just sit there quietly and act like I didn’t have a brain.
We got back an hour and a half later with just a few minutes until class started, and I threw myself on the bed and explained to Blake that there was no way I could go into a room with 45 other people until at least Monday. He took the kids to their class, came back and kissed me ’til I forgot, and then dragged me up to class.
And THEN instead of there being teaching like I expected…they split us up into groups and told us we were going to each be acting out a certain type of people group and interact with the other people groups in the room. My people group was chosen to be loud, affectionate, and have lots of gestures and exuberance. So for an entire hour I was required to act like an over the top, 150% extrovert. I barely survived it.
Tonight we got away and went to the movies, and the mall for dinner and cookies. I was sitting waiting for our pizza to be ready and I asked God quietly in my heart, “Why do I feel like crying right now?” And He whispered, “Because you’ve been outside of your comfort zone today.” And like He has said to me in the past, He said, “Find your center.”
And there in the mall full of chaos, I found myself in His presence. In His acceptance of me. In His peace that erases all turmoil. In His embrace that beats even Blake’s kisses.
So I ate my delicious greasy pizza and double chocolate chip cookies, and walked through the mall with my family, and got lost on the drive home, and laughed at Hope being completely silly, and basked in the pleasure of God’s favor on me.

It was a good day.

That’s what I am doing this morning…playing hookie. I spent the last day and a half taking notes for Blake since he was sick and this morning Blake is taking notes for me, but I’m not sick. I am listening to Bethel worship (my fave right now), looking at the snowy mountains out the window, and relaxing in my quiet and now clean room. I have been so spoiled here: no cooking, no cleaning (besides keeping our room straightened), no washing sheets or towels. I am not going to want to leave.

Yesterday in class they talked to us about spiritual vitality in adversity and managing stress. The consensus around here is that everything that happens to us (good or bad) is given to us by God. I had to take some deep breaths because I seriously don’t believe that. I believe that God is sovereign and that nothing happens that he doesn’t allow, BUT I don’t believe that everything that happens is God’s will – He gave us humans free will, and our choices have consequences…on our lives and also on the lives of others. I understand what they were trying to do though….they were challenging the “prosperity gospel” that is so prevalent in the states which I don’t have a tent in that camp either! I just kept telling myself that this was more than likely the point, and that there was no need to stand up and start arguing about all of the horrible injustices in the world and holler, “You think that is God’s will???!!!” I read a blog this week about a family that is bringing home a 15 year old orphan from I don’t remember where who has never been outside of a crib and never had anything but formula and watered down bread. She has been neglected her entire life. Her new adopted family said, for every one that is saved there are millions of others who aren’t. I have no doubt that God’s heart is shattered over this!! I think this is when He is crying out, “Where is my body?!”
Here is the link to that blog post:
http://www.nogreaterjoydad.com/2013/01/for-those-who-feel-orphans-have-better.html

It is difficult. We see God working is so many ways and in so many situations. We believe He cares for the sparrow. But the fact is 15 million children die of starvation every year. 15 million children far more precious than sparrows suffer horrifically day after day after day until their precious hearts stop beating and their lungs stop inhaling and exhaling and they die. We lose their priceless and beautiful little selves on this earth. I tell myself God is good and that He is love and that He is merciful. And then I tell myself I am His body. His hands His feet. His mouth. I am a mere human but with God inside of me. I HAVE to do something. I have to find where it looks like God has forgotten, and be His body and prove that He hasn’t. That God DOES rescue. That God DOES defend. That God DOES feed and clothe and embrace and show compassion. I’ve heard a million times: “God doesn’t need you – He chooses to use you.” But maybe the world DOES need ME. Maybe I have to be the body (the action) of Christ or it will appear as if God doesn’t feed, clothe, rescue, and defend.

Maybe I’m wrong. I’m wrestling not stating as absolute truth.
Life is very, very hard. Harder for some than we can ever begin to relate.
But there’s no doubt. We are somehow in someway responsible to do something.

Yesterday we learned about conflict styles. We did some reading about each one, identified which we were, and then moved to sit with the others with our same style. In short (hope this isn’t plagiarism or anything) these were the conflict styles.

Lion – takes charge, makes quick decisions, not too concerned about others’ opinions on the matter.
Owl – adamant that both parties come out 100% winner. Compromising isn’t good enough because both parties have to lose something, and that just doesn’t settle right with an owl. Since it is almost always impossible for both parties to win completely an owl often ends up slipping to another conflict style because they realize that their style just leaves them dealing with guilt for allowing the other party to lose some or angry that they themselves lost something, or more often that not: both.
Fox – all about coming to a compromise. they want to hear all of the opinions, everything on the table, and help come up with a solution so that everybody will win some and lose some. They won’t walk away until everything’s settled.
Teddy Bear – will sacrifice and give up anything for the other person. Relationship driven and peace driven. They just want to hug and make up.
Turtle – avoids conflict. closes up. often would rather just ignore an issue or avoid a person rather than go through the process of resolution.

I am owl. I was sure of it. I was reminded of all of the times growing up that when my parents corrected me in some way I would go to their room that night and apologize over and over and cry and want to talk and talk and talk, but would never feel better. I wanted them to be 100% happy with me and I wanted them to 100% understand me, and honestly I wanted them to 100% change their minds about my behavior and tell me that they didn’t think I had really done anything wrong. I wanted to be a winner, but I wanted them to be completely happy at the same time. It was exhausting. And although I am an owl at the core of my being, I realized that around the time I was in Bible college at 19 years old I started living more from a turtle conflict style. I suppose I realized that if I couldn’t make it to where everybody wins, then I didn’t want to conflict resolve at all. I would rather just bury into my shell and pout until the sting/pain subsided and then slowly stick my neck out and try the relationship/friendship again. When a turtle conflict resolves with a lion we will most always submit to their roaring and not say anything or give our opinion. But unlike teddy bears who are okay with that and ready to hug on the lion and be their best friend, a turtle will burrow back in his/her shell to sulk and lick her wounds. Also as turtles, the teddy bears and foxes will often poke and prod us until we are finally forced to come out of our shells, and when we do we will respond in one of two ways: like a teddy bear or like a lion. I respond like a lion. “Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone – Ok FINE! ROARRRRRRRR and BITE” (and then fly back to my tree and be hounded with guilt for hurting you because deep down I’m really an owl)

At one point yesterday, each group met one on one with each other group and we would tell each other what we appreciated about them. Only compliment and praise them and nothing else.
“We turtles really appreciate that you lions are bold and don’t worry about what others think because we turtles care so much about what others think that we don’t want to make a decision.”
And then the lions would respond:
“We appreciate that you turtles teach us that sometimes we have to take a step back and just think for a little while because as lions we want to force a decision and resolution right in that moment.”
And so on with each group.
I found it really interesting that when we met with the teddy bears they asked us, “How can we teddy bears help you turtles to come out of your shell in a way that would be good for you?” It WOULD be the teddy bears to ask that question.

Blake is a teddy bear. When we were talking with the teddy bears, we discussed how in some ways we were a like, but it many ways we were still very different. I told the group about how when Blake and I have a conflict as soon as we have resolved it Blake wants to hug and hold hands and be all loving, and I am like, “Give me some space. I am better, but I am not ready to hug you yet.”

One thing they are going to teach us on Monday is how to learn how to relate to each of these conflict styles. Robin, our instructor, told us that if we are insistent on living from our conflict style and all of it’s natural tendencies it is like having a full tool belt and insisting on using a hammer for everything: changing light bulbs, putting in nails AND screws, for tightening things, etc… I am looking forward to that. I have known for a LONG time my conflict style is lacking and dysfunctional, and I am so ready and willing to learn how to work on it!

So which conflict style do you think that YOU are, and if you are married what style is your husband?

In educating myself on how to embrace another culture, I have had to take a hard look at my priorities, my values, and my natural responses.

It began while visiting Guatemala in August. I was privileged to visit several different houses, and discovered that most included a teeny, tiny maid’s room. I didn’t like that. It bothered me. I concluded that if Jesus was the owner of one of these houses, that he would give the maid the master suite and he, himself, would take the maid’s room.

As missionaries, it is recommended that we have a house keeper; a maid. It is only a small amount to add to the budget, much cheaper than it would be in the states. The positive aspects are that it gives a woman a job and income to care for her family, it gives us the opportunity to minster to this woman and possibly her entire family, and it frees up my time to put towards other ministry responsibilities.

I don’t want a maid. I feel like it is telling someone that I am more important than they are. To me, it seems degrading to expect someone else to clean up my mess, even if I am paying them. It seems even more so when entering into another country where my goal is to bring the love of Jesus.

Through conversation at our staff training in California, added to our training here in Colorado, I am realizing that I see this whole subject through the lens of my American culture and my personal values.

A lady that is a maid in Guatemala is content with her position in life. She is comfortable in her identity and in her social status. To give a lady who has experience as a maid a job as a maid, treat her with kindness, and pay her a salary that is good but still within what is normal for that position gives her value exactly where she is. You are honoring her for who she is at that point in her life. I get that now.

(Hope listening in our combined adult/child class.)

The personal awakening it brought about in me is that is has shown me how much I value equality, and how I could seriously afford to evaluate whether or not this “value” needs a significant dose of redemption. An easy example to use in regards to this, is how I handled the past three and a half years of being a pastor’s wife. I desperately didn’t want anyone to think that I thought I was better than them just because I was married to a pastor. A downside to that, which I was very aware of the whole time, was that I often didn’t speak up when I could have or should have. I stayed in the background most of the time. I was rarely assertive or proactive. In my mind, however, that was a price I was willing to pay in order to keep from looking like I had placed myself on a platform of importance and mega-spirituality. I am re-evaluating whether this was the best stance, but have not even began to process it enough to blog about it at this point. My big question I am trying to answer is, “Why is being important so important to me if I don’t want people to think I think I’m important?” You will probably have to read that five times before it even half makes sense. And so far I’m not liking where this question is leading me.

(Blake leading worship)

On the other hand, however,and this I HAVE extensively processed, is that I have a hard time with NOT being as important as someone else. I had a hard time with the fact that we weren’t as “important” as other people on staff or leadership. I remember one time helping a church member carry in several plates of yummy food for the senior pastor and his family for Christmas. I admit I was a little grumbly in my spirit that not only were we not given any food, but I was having to stop what I was doing (youth ministry for heaven’s sake) to help CARRY IT IN for the pastor!! “Shouldn’t we be giving this food to the poor instead?” asked my hurt pride masked by fake spirituality.

Unlike the Guatemalans, I often times am not content in my position. I value equality, but God says though we are all valuable, we all have different roles; we are all different parts of the body. I need to learn the humility of a Guatemalan house keeper and realize it is an honor to carry in plates of food for my senior pastor. It is a privilege to serve someone in authority. It is an act of gratitude to God for where he place ME to go out of my way to speak a kind and positive word to someone in a high position. It devalues the position I am in NOT to do these things! I LIKE that!! I GET that! And THAT’s the person I want to be!

God is not just calling me to serve and honor the poor. He is calling me to serve and honor “kings”.

(Robin – our main instructor)

(kids participating in a lesson on Expectations Meet Reality)

We don’t have television in our rooms here, and we aren’t supposed to have internet in our rooms, but right now we do for some reason. I won’t be reporting it – I’ll just take advantage of it and blog!

We made it to MTI after another day of car difficulties. One hour into the trip we had a tire blowout. We drove on our donut until we FINALLY found civilization, and then got ourselves a new tire and got to the MTI base only 45 minutes late.

Camden and Hope have already gotten a lot out of their classes. Last night at dinner Camden asked to pray and prayed the longest most heartfelt prayer I have ever heard him pray. We also had them both journal last night about their day, specifically the things they were grateful for or had brought them joy throughout the day since that was an assignment given to all of us adults. Then we all read them to each other. Camden also drew a beautiful picture of Aslan the lion in the Narnia series that represents Christ. He said that he felt like the Lord told him to draw it, which lead us into a conversation about how God gives us gifts to use to help us process and savor the things He is doing in our hearts. For Camden it is drawing, for Blake and Hope it is singing, and for me it is writing.

Hope is having a blast. It was absolutely priceless hearing her as she saw mountains for the first time! “Are they real Daddy? I feel like I am dreaming! They are so beautiful! Who wouldn’t just LOVE Colorado?” Her eyes were huge and she rolled down the window so she could feel the mountain air. We have two rooms here at the base that are just like 2 hotel rooms with a door in between. There is a full bed on one side and 2 twins on the other. Hope said, “Camden and I have our OWN hotel house?!!!” She meticulously organized her clothes and shoes and accessories and made us all come and admire it.

They only have one other kid in their class; a 9 year old boy. Their teacher is a man that looks 21 but has 5 kids so let’s hope he’s older. Camden and Hope both love him, and I have a feeling the investment he makes in their lives over the next three weeks will go with them for the rest of their lives.

In Hope’s two page journal last night she wrote, “I am sosososososo excited about moving to Guatemala. I am thankful for all of the food, and clothes, and love we have in our family and want the poor people to have those things too.”
Blake and I both practically choked on the lumps that formed in our throats as we read it.

We have a possible buyer for our house that wants to rent it for a year before buying it. God seems to be insistent on keeping us in a position that we are depending fully on Him. Although this will work out good for us if it happens like it is suppose to, there is also a risk for us in that this renter could change his mind and leave us in a stressful situation. I feel that is where we are with our fundraising as well – in a state of being totally dependent upon God. We have done pretty much everything we can think of to do, and at this point still only have 1/3 of our monthly support committed. We have already heard miracle stories from other people here of support flooding in at the last minute, and that is what we are praying and believing for. I have decided to term February “Miracle February”. God is faithful. He is on time. He is a follow-through planner. He is a finisher of what He has started. Pray with us for miracles!

We were on our way to missionary training school today. We had been driving for 7 hours and had 4 hours to go. The kids were working on their school work, and I was reading a book when I read the coolest thing and said to Blake, “Listen to this quote!”

“An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.”

I was so inspired I felt tingly.

45 minutes later we were sitting in our dead car in a Walmart parking lot in Dumas, Texas.

- the car was dead. Like it coded and no amount of CPR was going to bring it back to life
- everyone within a 6 hour circumference was a stranger
- we have to be at missionary training school 6 hours away by tomorrow afternoon
- there was no taxi service or car rental companies within 45 miles
- we had 3 weeks of luggage in the back of our car
- we are living on no income right now – that just adds loveliness to every situation

Suddenly that adventure quote was mocking me.

But at the same time I felt peace…or at least I think that’s what it was although I sort of suspected it could be that I was just in some type of denial about the whole situation. I pictured us dragging our 7 suitcases, 4 backpacks, and Blake’s guitar across the busy highway to the hotel we could see from the parking lot, and I felt this bubble of hysteria rising to the surface. I began to fear for my sanity. A feeling of peace(or denial) mixed with hysteria sounds like the chemical components of a real-life maniac.

Thanks to my wonderful parents, who will be driving through the night to bring us one of my grandparents’ cars, we have a solution to at least get us to Colorado and then back to Texas.

I have to admit I’ve asked God if all of this opposition we have had is the devil or Him trying to tell us that we heard Him wrong. Maybe He is warning us that we are on the wrong path. I know that’s not a faith-filled, spiritual confession, but it’s my real life thoughts and I’m coming clean. Adventure SURE feels like inconvenience sometimes. It feels like free falling….and foolishly taking your children with you.

Speaking of children, Camden and Hope were both not at all thrilled with our perplexing situation, although I think the worst part was that they were having to do their math while Blake tried to figure out a plan. Blake and I kept reminding them in a tight voice and with a warning look that this was an adventure that not every kid gets to experience, and that they best keep that in the forefront of their minds! I can imagine them re-telling the story of this day to their own children one day. Heavens.

Thankful that when we finally got the guts to approach strangers for help, it was a friendly family from Austin also on their way to Colorado. Grateful for the man’s laid-back personality who while helping load our 7 suitcases, 4 backpacks, and Blake’s guitar in the back of his truck quipped, “No wonder your motor gave out!” And then wouldn’t take the money we offered him after he drove us to the hotel across the busy highway.

Please pray for my parents who will be on the road until 3am. And please pray for our “adventure”. Pray for unity and wisdom and strength and a sense of humor.

Happy Hope eating delivered pizza in our hotel room. Now off to swim in the indoor pool and forget our worries!

Last week we went to Visalia, California to attend new staff training for the mission organization we will be working with: Students International. If you or your church are looking for a place to take a mission trip, you REALLY need to check out Students International. 3 Things I love about SI:

1. Its focus is occupational ministry. They don’t go into a country to start a church, or a Bible school, or a single ministry (not that this is wrong!). They go in to high poverty areas and begin meeting physical needs. They start medical clinics, work in schools, begin social work sites that work with young boys, teenage girls, and young moms. Most of the SI countries have micro finance sites that give small loans so that people can begin businesses that will help them out of the cycle of poverty. In Guatemala, they have a huge agriculture site that helps the local farmers learn how to better care for their animals resulting in a more profitable business and way of life. Each occupational ministry site has a full-time missionary that oversees it. They are a constant source of relationship and knowledge for which the people in the community can always depend. As these missionaries meet physical needs and build relationships, they also have the opportunity to minister to deeper needs on an emotional and spiritual level.

2. Short term mission teams work in these occupational ministry sites. When teams come, they won’t all build a house, or run a Bible school, or put on a crusade. Each team member, in accordance with what he/she feels passionate about, whether it be education, medicine, social work, special education, construction, ect…., has the opportunity to work hands-on alongside the full-time missionary in that field. Not only does this give you amazing occupational experience, but it also builds in you a burning desire to integrate ministry into the field in which you work or will be working in the states. Whether you are working with the poorest of the poor in Nicaragua or the wealthiest of the wealthy in The Hampton’s people are hungry for the hope and peace found in Jesus Christ.

3. Your trip is planned from landing to taking off. SI picks you up from the airport and has a specific and detailed schedule for every day of your trip. It is a schedule that we have set and posted on our website. As the leader of your team, you won’t have to worry about the logistics or planning. You will be free to invest into your team.

Students International has bases in five different countries: Guatemala, Dominican Republic, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, and Fiji.

Check out stint.com to read more.

Blake and I will be the teams directors in the country of Guatemala. We will be in charge of the short term mission trip teams that come and go. Our hope is to be there the first week of March, but the next seven weeks are going to have to be the biggest miracle weeks of our lives to be ready to go by then. We have raised 80% of our start up costs and 32% of our monthly support. We are in real need for monthly supporters. We have learned through our training last week that you just have to bite the bullet and come right out and ask for financial support. So this is us asking: We need monthly financial support. Here is the link on the information you need to support us monthly if you so choose. If you have any questions please email us at: blakeandchristina@yahoo.com

Support info:
stint.com/about/donate

New SI missionaries headed to the field this coming year (minus me :

Blake and I in California during new staff training.

12 hours before flying to California for new staff training, I got the dreaded stomach virus. I spent the whole night throwing up – you know the screaming into the toilet nothing coming out because your stomach is empty throwing up. It was awful. By the time it was time to leave for the airport I was past the point of throwing up but I was still so nauseous, had body aches all over, and was so, so very tired. I napped on the floor of the airport until time to board. Our plane was small and it smelled like hot food. Then the pilot got on the speaker system and told us to expect a lot of turbulence the first 20 minutes. I was so very scared that the turbulence mixed with the smell of food would be too much and I would be screaming into the tiny airplane toilet in a matter of minutes. My body ached and I wanted to lay down with every fiber of my being, but knew for the next three and a half hours I would be in a small seat sitting practically straight up. I was so overwhelmed, I started crying and couldn’t quit. Everything discouraging that has happened since we started the process of moving to Guatemala came flooding in and made me cry more and harder. I felt way to weak physically, emotionally, and spiritually to really, really do this.

But I made it.

#1 I thought a LOT about other people who were suffering. Malnourished and sick children who threw up day after day after day. Cancer patients who threw up for days after every treatment. Mothers who watch their children die from starvation, dehydration, or disease. I told myself a 24 hours virus was nothing. And I felt a greater compassion grow inside of me, and a deeper desperation to make a difference for people who are suffering.

#2 I soaked in the strength of my husband. He knew I was at a physical low, but he also knew it became more than that. He knew, without me saying, that it was emotional and spiritual as well. He knew that I wanted to give up and beg him just to get a sound job somewhere and give back the money we’ve raised and live a simple life. He didn’t preach at me or try to talk me into faith. He was just with me.

#3 I told myself a hundred times that there was nothing worth giving up on this. I have wanted to be a missionary since I was eleven years old. That has given me 21 years to work up a nice fantasy of what it would be like to go to the mission field. The past few months have been a slap in the face eye opener into reality….and we’re not even on the field yet. Today at training they told us that fundraising would probably be the hardest thing we have to do in our career as a missionary and I was like, “Thank you God!” But when I stop and think about not going back to Guatemala, trading it in for a “sound job” for Blake, or looking for a pastoral position somewhere in the states, or even looking for a paying position out of the country….it just feels 100% wrong. My heart is in Guatemala. My passion lines up with Students International and their vision. My purpose is tied to specific people and needs that I won’t come across if I give up. A stomach virus isn’t going to steal this from me. Slow going fundraising isn’t going to erase God’s plan. And difficult days aren’t going to change our destination.

Across the row from us on the plane was a lady with her husband and son. Her hair appeared to just be growing back from chemo so at the end of the flight I asked her if she was battling cancer. She said that she was, so we had the opportunity to tell her that we were both cancer survivors. She told us that she had looked over at us earlier on the flight and thought to herself, “They are so lucky that they don’t have to deal with cancer.”

It got me to thinking about how we are so quick to get wrapped up in our own problems and suffering and feel that everyone else has it so easy. None of us have it easy. We all have days we just want to cry and give up, and we all have deep down rock solid reasons why it would never, ever be worth it to give up. So wherever you are tonight, no matter how bleak life feels. Don’t give up. It’s going to get better.

You know when you go on vacation and you have everything stuffed in suitcases and you spend the week digging through them looking for things….constantly? But it’s okay because you’re on vacation and in a few days you’ll be back in your own home with all of your things put away? Back in your own bed? Taking a shower in your own shower? Cooking in your own kitchen? Putting the kids to bed and watching tv with just your husband in your own living room?

It started sinking in yesterday that I am not going home. That I won’t be sleeping in my own bed ever again…it’s sold. That my next “own shower” will be in Guatemala and hot water will be hit or miss. That it won’t just be our family in our own house for two to three more months and even then it won’t feel like home for a quite awhile. I am having a little bit of a hard time with that.

We visited a church today. One that Blake and I worked in when we were 17-19. The pastor married us 12 years ago and was all excited to see us, and told the church our entire life story and acted like a proud papa. But he said something that got me a little mixed up inside. He told the congregation, “They aren’t here for money. They are just here to spend the morning with us.” This church is planning to support us monthly although they haven’t decided how much, so maybe that’s why he said that….because they had already decided to support us before we told them we were coming to visit. But it still made me question this season because the fact is January and February have two purposes: our trainings we are attending and …..well asking for money. i.e.. fundraising. It brings me to this question Blake and I have wrestled with almost constantly: how much do we actively come straight out and let people know our financial needs and how much do we just sit back and let God bring the funds to us. Fundraising for a cause is tough….like when we fundraised for our adoption. Fundraising to support your family is raw and vulnerable and scary. It just is.

It’s after 2am and I’m awake on an air mattress with Hope holding the trash can for her every half hour while she dry heaves her empty stomach. She has a virus that has been going around. And she is letting out some gas that could melt the paint off the wall. I don’t know how Camden and Blake can sleep through the smell. It’s that bad. Blake and I leave in 3 days…I guess you could say 2 now, to fly to California for new staff training. We will be staying with one of the Students International’s board members in their home. Please, please, PLEASE pray that we aren’t throwing up in the plane or in a stranger’s home. I would hate to be putting off the smell Hope is, on an air compressed plane. Good grief. I can’t even fathom the humiliation.

I talked to a new SI missionary when we visited Guatemala in August and she talked about some of her “Joshua stones”. When the Israelites and Joshua experienced a time of deliverance or provision from God, they set up a stone and named the place so that they could always remember the faithfulness of God. We have had some Joshua stones. And we will have more. Because deep under all of these emotions, and questions, and not fun things is a knowing that we have set out on a journey that will test the faithfulness of God. And Jehovah God is faithful. Always faithful.