September 7, 2012

• I Only THINK I’m Drowning

  I have been a Christian since I was seven years old. 24 years of loving Jesus. And yet my heart is still full of pride and insecurity and fear and jealousy. I feel like I go through seasons that those imperfections stay hidden so well that I begin to think I am doing pretty good. That just maybe I am departing the land of spiritual (and emotional) infantdom.(I’m ignoring the red squiggly line that tells me that’s not a word.) And then there are times where life gets stressful and relationships get hard and things don’t happen like I imagined, and out of me spills all the crap that I thought I’d finally managed to outgrow.

  I am 100% female emotion. Minus the fact that I rarely cry. I am so emotional right now I am not fit for society, but for the life of me I can’t make myself do anything more than get a few tears to pile up in my eyeballs. You see, I cried about 4 weeks ago so it’s going to be at least the end of October before I can release these ridiculous female emotions in a good slobbering, snotty girl cry. I’m counting down the days. The last time I cried I was in public and had to cut it off as fast as I could. Dang it why didn’t I find a quiet spot and just sob for half an hour.

  I am so very tired of responding emotionally to everything.
  I am fed up with feeling my heart shatter when I am criticized
  or wanting to retaliate when I am hurt
  or wanting to prove to people that I am worthy when I think they’ve misinterpreted me or worse when they’ve accurately seen my ugly.

  Last night I asked God in my complete brokeness,

  “How do I change this about myself?”
  “How do I teach myself not to feel things so deeply?”
  “How do I GROW THE HECK UP!”
  “How do I make you proud?”
  “How do I become worthy of the opportunities you are giving me?”
  “How do I get to the point where I always respond the righteous way?”
  “How do I become perfect?”
  “How do I get to the place that I am ALWAYS just your girl and nothing else sways me?”

  I have had 2 women come to me for advice in the past 18 hours and both times I wanted to say, “Do you KNOW how messed up I am? Do you KNOW how un-together I am? Please – you counsel me, and medicate me while you’re at it!”

  I read a blog this week by my friend Melissa (http://destinyinbloom.com/when-good-and-hard-hold-hands/) about how sometimes its okay NOT to be okay. Those are the words I have been hearing from Jesus this past week. “
  “It’s okay to NOT be okay.”
  A couple of nights ago I was dealing with some major anger and self-condemnation and crying out for God to show me what to do with all the feelings. And I heard him whisper,

  “Let the feelings wash over you like waves. Waves of anger. Waves of doubt. Waves of disappointment. Waves of shame. YOU WILL NOT DROWN. Don’t struggle and scream and claw. Just be still and trust that the waves will calm, your head will come above water, and the sun will shine.”

  It took me about 24 hours to find myself struggling, screaming, and clawing – trying to save myself again. I am a real quick learner and a real quick forgetter. But I have a feeling I will have about 10 million more chances to get it right.

  I can’t teach myself not to feel, but I can teach myself how to respond to my feelings. My feelings will not kill me. My feelings will not control me (One day in the future I hope its sooner than later).

  My feelings are waves.
  My feelings are tests.
  My feelings are opportunities.

  Opportunities
  To teach me to be still.
  To teach me to wait.
  To teach me to hope.
  To teach me listen.
  To teach me to surrender.
  To teach me to believe.

  To believe
  That hard times end.
  That feelings lie.
  That I am stronger than I think.
  That God is my defender.
  That I can find ways to grow in EVERY situation no matter how dark.
  And That God stands in the waves beside me.

  My heart is aching for others that are feeling the same way. Because it feels SOOOOO lonely to think you’re drowning. I know I’m not the only one struggling to breathe, while the other part of you thinks maybe you should just go under and not come back up. (okay that’s a little dramatic – but sometimes being dramatic just feels good)

  I’m near-drowning beside you friend. Wishing I was a hot blonde Californian in a bikini with a surfboad, rather than the “frizzy haired, squeezing in my capris, hold me back I have issues” girl that I see when I look at myself in the mirror.
  The waves are going to calm, we’ll find us a used surfboard on sale at Goodwill, and then we’ll put on our tankini’s and board shorts and float on it while we soak up the rays of the sun.

  This is going to get better.

  • 3:50 pm
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