October 12, 2011

• The Shifting Has Begun

  Our pastor has been speaking to our congregation over the past several months about how we all go through “siftings” when God is about to bring us through “shiftings.” I sit on the front row and want to nod my head,  stomp my foot, and wave my hankie. I have known our life would shift since we filled out the preliminary adoption paperwork 13 months ago, but there have been times over the past year that I have thought this sifting thing was way too complicated for the shifting we would be going through.

  When we moved here, it was an answered prayer that I was given the opportunity to minister alongside my husband. I threw my heart into the youth ministry as well as several friendships with women in the church that I clearly felt were opportunities from the Lord. I lived blissfully here in this city and in my church for the first 15 months.

   And Then: God called us to adopt, And Then: God gave us a passion for ALL orphans and not just our own, And Then: God renewed the calling He had placed in our hearts for the nations, And Then: God captured our heart for the poor.
   AND THEN: God took us on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic and multiplied all those things one hundred fold.

  All these things that God has done in our hearts has left me feeling isolated, confused, and frustrated. Blake has been able to take these same things, and tuck them away inside for the right season. Me….I feel at times like I have become a crazy woman. The flame that burns inside of me for orphans, third world nations, and the poor causes me to fear I might stand up in the middle of church and start preaching my own sermon. (side note: Our preacher hears from God and is an amazing preacher with an amazing heart for our city)

  I have felt this sifting whittle away at me. It has seemed to me, to be more destructive than constructive. I broke down yesterday and cried and cried and cried. I felt forgotten. It felt incredible to cry, though. To let my tears and my brokenness and my confusion cause me to come before God completely vulnerable. I turned on a worship CD and felt God speak Ps. 91:1-2 over me, “Dwell in My secret place. Hide under My Shadow. I am your refuge and fortress.”

  I felt His shadow. I felt safe in that secret place. I knew I was not forgotten. But as the evening went on I kept having this thought that I loved this secret place so much that I really would like to stay completely hidden in His shadow until the sifting was over. Like the post below I wanted to keep my heart in God’s hand and not put it out there for a good long while. But of course that was wrong. Wasn’t it?

  This morning I woke up and was immediately hit with discouragement.  I buried myself under my covers and cried out to the Lord. And He began to speak to me. He whispered words here and there about seasons, about sifting, and my eyes began to be opended to things of which I had not been aware as well as things I could not have possibly known except that I believe they were breathed into my thoughts by God.

  I saw how my heart has been so involved in my church that it has caused me to pull my heart away from my children. God spoke to me about the future and how because of some things Blake and I have learned from our agency as well as some things we have felt from the Lord, that the shifting of adding to our family through adoption might be much bigger than we first expected. The Lord showed me that my children need my heart right now. They need our home to be a place of security. They need my focus to be on their growing walk with the Lord, and they need to know that Mommy is here for this family first and foremost. They need to be taught about the Great Commission daily. They need to be encouraged constantly to see life from the perspective of the lost and hurting. I am called to teach them these things. I am called to represent the love of Jesus to them. I am called to live in peace and joy so that they can know that their home is a safe place.

  As I opened up my devotional an hour later, I was not surprised to see that God was confirming His word to me. The devotional was about making your home a mirror of Heaven. It talked about making the concentrated effort of having a home that consists of laughter, nourishment, and growth.

  So I am now asking God exactly what that looks like for me. Blake still needs me at youth, I like to think the youth girls need me, and honestly I need them as well. They are precious to me. I feel, to begin with, God has shown me that it is a change of perspective. I need to consider it serving rather than considering it “my heart and passion.” For this season IS indeed a season of shifting. It is a season of shifting my heart and passion back to my home. I know without one tiny little doubt that my heart and passion will get another chance to be back in ministry somewhere, somehow, but for now I believe that God is calling me to have a singular heart and passion for my family. Another reason I believe He is calling me to this is so that I can more easily remain in that secret place. I will need His shadow desperately when we I am helping our new child grieve and adjust; as well as helping Camden and Hope process the changes to our family. I will need to be able to fall back on a developed and intimate relationship with His spirit in order to walk in discernment, wisdom, and patience. I will need to know how to call out and believe for His strength for myself, His healing for our new one’s grief and fear, and His voice and presence to step in for Camden and Hope when they have to share our time.

  I feel a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders just to have a Word from God. To have a glimpse of the reasoning behind all the sifting, is like breathing fresh air. To know that all along His plan for me has been good makes me want to worship.

  If you are being sifted, don’t grow weary. There is a reason and it is for your good and for God’s glory. Worth is the Name of our God!

  • 11:03 am
  • 5 Comments