September 24, 2011

• white privilege

  I just finished a book on trans racial adoption. One of the chapters was on white privilege. I feel ashamed and angry. I walked around my neighborhood and prayed that God would sanctify my emotions. That He would continue to open my eyes. That He would somehow use me as a voice FOR non-white ethnic groups. I am not going to even pretend that I understand what it is like to be on the other side of white privilege. If I am angry with my limited knowledge, what must it be like to deal with the anger that comes with living the other side of white privilege on a daily basis? I want to be a voice. I want to have the courage that white people did that stood along civil rights activists in the 50′s and 60′s.  I know that if I am going to do this, there is the very real probability that in the process of being a voice FOR non-whites, I might offend them. I am still so ignorant. But the fear of offending has kept me silent for too long. I am determined to keep educating myself. I am doing it for my child that will come to us from Ethiopia. I am doing it for our two biological kids. I am doing it for myself, because I am missing something HUGE when I look the other way. I am doing this because NOT to do something is wrong. I know that on this journey I will probably have an African American, or an Asian American, or a Mexican American tell me that I have it all wrong – that I am offensive, that I am prideful – and they will most likely be right. And I will most likely hide in my covers and cry and want to give up. But I am making a decision NOW that I will not give up. That I will be willing to learn the hard and humiliating lessons that strip me of my arrogance and ignorance one painful layer at a time.

  During the past several months all of my reading and thinking about what it is like to be a person of color has opened my eyes to many things. I have felt conviction and remorse for my stereotypical opinions. I have made commitments to change and better myself. A few months ago I was in the Houston area, and I went out shopping by myself. An aisle I wanted to go down was blocked by an African American woman. Normally I would go around to the other side or wait until she left for the sole reason that she is a black woman that I do not know. I would automatically assume that she would be angry that she had to move for me. I would assume that she would assume that I thought that I was better than her because I am white. That is a LOT of assuming. But all of a sudden it hit me that she could very well be aware that I had gone out of my way to avoid her, and that would be hurtful; so I smiled sweetly and asked if I could squeeze by. She moved, but she rolled her eyes and sighed at the same time. I was insulted. I had TRIED to do the right thing. And then I heard God whisper, “You deserved that.”

  Not because I had done something wrong at that moment, but for the years I have fed the problem instead of starving it. And seriously how prideful and naive for me to think she should have thought to herself, “Oh what a nice white person for speaking to me.” Ughh…. Just throw me out with the dishwater – I have so far to go I wonder if I am a lost cause sometimes.

  But I remind myself of what our special speaker David Garcia said at church this past Sunday, “I would rather go after a lot and get half of it, than to go after nothing and get all of it.” I have always been very uncomfortable with blatant prejudice attitudes, but I have more often than not stayed quiet. And for that I am deeply convicted. It is time to take a stand. It is time to open my mouth. It is time to go for a lot. A lot of change. A lot of accepting and loving. A lot of allowing God to lead us and use us to open the eyes of people, especially the church. Even if we just get half of a lot we will be closer to unity than we are now.

  • 9:34 am
  • 3 Comments