August 17, 2013

• Camden is ELEVEN!!!

  

  Today is Camden’s birthday. And it’s Saturday just like the day he was born. I remember that day so well. I was amzed that he was there but traumatized at the same time. Wondering how I went through THAT much pain and was still living and breathing. I remember sitting in a daze on the twin bed in his nursery while both sets of grandparents passed him around oohing and ahhing and taking pictures of him and thinking “What have I done to my life?” I was 21 years old and in charge of a 6 pound living, breathing baby.

  We kept him alive. It wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that. He didn’t want to sleep. He hated his crib and his bassinet. I thought I would die of pain every time I nursed him. And I felt this almost scary instinct to be on high alert to protect him from any imminent danger. Like the contractions that I was so unprepared for, that mama bear feeling knowing that I would do ANYTHING to protect him kind of freaked me out.

  

  Eleven years later I still have days where I have no idea what to do with him, and I still know that I would do ANYTHING to protect him. He has changed so much over the years, but he’s changed me even more. He has stretched me and challenged me and softened me and convicted me and sanctified me.

  

  I reminded him today that it was a year ago tomorrow that we told him that we would be moving to another country. We talked about how devastated he was to know he would have to leave his friends and home. I told him how strong I thought he was for getting through this year. I asked him what his thoughts were when he thinks back to then and then thinks of now. He said, “I am more happy now but more stressed.” Blake and I looked at each other in amazement. “EXACTLY!” What a perfect description of stepping out and following God on a scary adventure. Stressful but a deep down feeling of happiness that we are where we are supposed to be. Thank you Jesus for the gift of hearing wisdom come out of our 11 year old’s heart.

  

  I thank God for giving me the grace to be the mom he has needed this past year. Not that I’ve been perfect, but we have sure built our relationship to be stronger and closer. My mother in law came for a visit a couple of months ago. Usually when Grammy is around I have to take several steps back to protect my heart. He loves his Grammy and really doesn’t care if I am around or not when he’s got her. But it wasn’t that way this time. He, of course, still loved having his Grammy here, but he stayed attached to me at the same time. He would sit by me. He would seek me out. He would hug me. It was one of the most precious realizations that I have ever had in my life as a mommy. That I am DOING this. That I am being a mom to a preteen boy and that I am doing it well. Again, not perfect. But I am doing it.

  

  I can’t believe I have a preteen. I am sad sometimes that I am no longer a mama of toddlers but instead a mama of big kids. I remember ME being a big kid. I had my first crush when I was 11. I wonder if he will? I wonder how I will handle that? Right now it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. But 12 years ago having a baby didn’t seem like that big of a deal. It’s funny how things sneak up and surprise us. How we respond in ways we never thought we would. Blake and I so thought we’d be the coolest parents EVER since we had them so young, but I’m realizing that whether you’re 21 or 38 when you have your first baby, you are still going to surprise yourself. You’re still going to learn a whole lot about yourself and you’re still going to be totally “un-cool” sometimes.

  

  I have had my cool moments here and there. Like when I saved Camden from a bee. I have always been scared of bees. Really scared. But one time when Camden was a baby I ended up in the car with my mom, Camden, and a bee. I became like a ninja. Covering my baby with my body and attacking that bee like my life blood depended on it. That’s what Camden has done for me. He’s made me face my fears. He’s made me be strong when it wasn’t in my nature. He’s made me fight for what God has given me. I am better because of him.

  

  I know we have some big years ahead of us. I know we are going to need some major help from the Holy Spirit. But I’m ready. I am excited. I am not accepting that the teenage years are going to be torture. I am expecting that they are going to be happy, stressful at times yes, but still happy. Because being his mom is exactly where God wants me to be. Happy Birthday to my 6lb skinny baby that is now a 70lb skinny 11 year old. I’d still fight bees for you.

  

  • 4:32 pm
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