April 27, 2013

• Letting Wrestling Lead me Somewhere Good

  I’m wrestling with hard stuff today. Not that my day is difficult. It’s actually a relaxed day. We took a trip into San Lucas about 30 minutes away where we can find milk that doesn’t taste gross. And now I am cooking because tonight we are having the director of SI Guatemala and his wife over for dinner. So maybe it’s actually the relaxed feel of today that is giving me the time to wrestle with some thoughts that have only had time to be pushed back and ignored over the last several weeks. I think I thought leaving the US would also allow me to leave behind some hurt places in my heart, but those hurt places came with me, and they’re acting up…like a bad knee when there’s rain in the forecast.

  Do you ever just wrestle with your thoughts? Wrestle back and forth with trying to push them out of your mind, find a answer for them that brings the sweet relief of peace, or even better hear a whispered word from the Lord that even though it might not be “an answer” brings deeper peace than an answer ever would.

  That’s what I want right now…a word from the Lord about the hard stuff. Because the pushing them from my mind isn’t productive, and searching for answers from my own reasoning is leading me to answers that make me snarky inside…answers and conclusions that make me giggle at crude things on pinterest; quotes like:
  “If I was a bird I’d know exactly who to (uhhh..) poop on.”

  But then today I read this:

  “Be Soft. Do not let the world make you hard.
  Do not let the pain make you hate.
  DO NOT LET BITTERNESS STEAL YOUR SWEETNESS”
  -Kurt Vonnegot

  And I am reminded that it is sweetness that I want to find in my heart.

  I so admire those women who are in love with Jesus but are a little rough around the edges and say it like it is and they have 3 million fans on Facebook. But when I am quiet before the Lord and ask Him who I am and who He wants me to be….the word “sweetness” is what I sense deep in my spirit. It’s the trait He wants to find in me. It was His dream for me when He created me.

  And I know enough about the devil that this is EXACTLY what he wants to rob from me. He wants to steal my sweetness. He wants to sneak in, in the dark and dig tiny holes and bury seeds that sprout weeds that destroy sweetness: bitterness, jealousy, anger, and pride. Nothing steals sweetness faster than pride…except for maybe anger, or worse bitterness. Oh and jealousy! Who can be sweet (sincerely sweet) when they’re jealous?

  So I’m pleading with the God who created me to cultivate the soil of my heart. I need some weeds pulled so the lovely things He put in me can can see the sun. (Son)

  What word does Jesus whisper to you when you ask Him who you are? I bet when you hear Him, you will be able to see how the hard things you struggle with are directly related to those whispered words. Satan wants to steal from you EVERYTHING God has planned for you…..even your identity. Hold on to the whispered words with all the strength you can find. And when you’re weak, don’t give up. It’s who you were created to be; He will help you remember.

  My frame was not hidden from you
  when I was made in the secret place,
  when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
  Your eyes saw my unformed body;
  all the days ordained for me were written in your book
  before one of them came to be.
  How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
  How vast is the sum of them! -Ps. 139:15-17

  • 8:02 pm
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