January 26, 2013

• What is YOUR Conflict Style?

  
  

  Yesterday we learned about conflict styles. We did some reading about each one, identified which we were, and then moved to sit with the others with our same style. In short (hope this isn’t plagiarism or anything) these were the conflict styles.

  
  

  Lion – takes charge, makes quick decisions, not too concerned about others’ opinions on the matter.
  Owl – adamant that both parties come out 100% winner. Compromising isn’t good enough because both parties have to lose something, and that just doesn’t settle right with an owl. Since it is almost always impossible for both parties to win completely an owl often ends up slipping to another conflict style because they realize that their style just leaves them dealing with guilt for allowing the other party to lose some or angry that they themselves lost something, or more often that not: both.
  Fox – all about coming to a compromise. they want to hear all of the opinions, everything on the table, and help come up with a solution so that everybody will win some and lose some. They won’t walk away until everything’s settled.
  Teddy Bear – will sacrifice and give up anything for the other person. Relationship driven and peace driven. They just want to hug and make up.
  Turtle – avoids conflict. closes up. often would rather just ignore an issue or avoid a person rather than go through the process of resolution.

  
  
  

  I am owl. I was sure of it. I was reminded of all of the times growing up that when my parents corrected me in some way I would go to their room that night and apologize over and over and cry and want to talk and talk and talk, but would never feel better. I wanted them to be 100% happy with me and I wanted them to 100% understand me, and honestly I wanted them to 100% change their minds about my behavior and tell me that they didn’t think I had really done anything wrong. I wanted to be a winner, but I wanted them to be completely happy at the same time. It was exhausting. And although I am an owl at the core of my being, I realized that around the time I was in Bible college at 19 years old I started living more from a turtle conflict style. I suppose I realized that if I couldn’t make it to where everybody wins, then I didn’t want to conflict resolve at all. I would rather just bury into my shell and pout until the sting/pain subsided and then slowly stick my neck out and try the relationship/friendship again. When a turtle conflict resolves with a lion we will most always submit to their roaring and not say anything or give our opinion. But unlike teddy bears who are okay with that and ready to hug on the lion and be their best friend, a turtle will burrow back in his/her shell to sulk and lick her wounds. Also as turtles, the teddy bears and foxes will often poke and prod us until we are finally forced to come out of our shells, and when we do we will respond in one of two ways: like a teddy bear or like a lion. I respond like a lion. “Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone – Ok FINE! ROARRRRRRRR and BITE” (and then fly back to my tree and be hounded with guilt for hurting you because deep down I’m really an owl)

  
  
  

  At one point yesterday, each group met one on one with each other group and we would tell each other what we appreciated about them. Only compliment and praise them and nothing else.
  “We turtles really appreciate that you lions are bold and don’t worry about what others think because we turtles care so much about what others think that we don’t want to make a decision.”
  And then the lions would respond:
  “We appreciate that you turtles teach us that sometimes we have to take a step back and just think for a little while because as lions we want to force a decision and resolution right in that moment.”
  And so on with each group.
  I found it really interesting that when we met with the teddy bears they asked us, “How can we teddy bears help you turtles to come out of your shell in a way that would be good for you?” It WOULD be the teddy bears to ask that question.

  
  

  Blake is a teddy bear. When we were talking with the teddy bears, we discussed how in some ways we were a like, but it many ways we were still very different. I told the group about how when Blake and I have a conflict as soon as we have resolved it Blake wants to hug and hold hands and be all loving, and I am like, “Give me some space. I am better, but I am not ready to hug you yet.”

  
  

  One thing they are going to teach us on Monday is how to learn how to relate to each of these conflict styles. Robin, our instructor, told us that if we are insistent on living from our conflict style and all of it’s natural tendencies it is like having a full tool belt and insisting on using a hammer for everything: changing light bulbs, putting in nails AND screws, for tightening things, etc… I am looking forward to that. I have known for a LONG time my conflict style is lacking and dysfunctional, and I am so ready and willing to learn how to work on it!

  
  

  So which conflict style do you think that YOU are, and if you are married what style is your husband?

  
  

  • 9:46 am
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