January 11, 2013

• It’s Going to Get Better

  12 hours before flying to California for new staff training, I got the dreaded stomach virus. I spent the whole night throwing up – you know the screaming into the toilet nothing coming out because your stomach is empty throwing up. It was awful. By the time it was time to leave for the airport I was past the point of throwing up but I was still so nauseous, had body aches all over, and was so, so very tired. I napped on the floor of the airport until time to board. Our plane was small and it smelled like hot food. Then the pilot got on the speaker system and told us to expect a lot of turbulence the first 20 minutes. I was so very scared that the turbulence mixed with the smell of food would be too much and I would be screaming into the tiny airplane toilet in a matter of minutes. My body ached and I wanted to lay down with every fiber of my being, but knew for the next three and a half hours I would be in a small seat sitting practically straight up. I was so overwhelmed, I started crying and couldn’t quit. Everything discouraging that has happened since we started the process of moving to Guatemala came flooding in and made me cry more and harder. I felt way to weak physically, emotionally, and spiritually to really, really do this.

  But I made it.

  #1 I thought a LOT about other people who were suffering. Malnourished and sick children who threw up day after day after day. Cancer patients who threw up for days after every treatment. Mothers who watch their children die from starvation, dehydration, or disease. I told myself a 24 hours virus was nothing. And I felt a greater compassion grow inside of me, and a deeper desperation to make a difference for people who are suffering.

  #2 I soaked in the strength of my husband. He knew I was at a physical low, but he also knew it became more than that. He knew, without me saying, that it was emotional and spiritual as well. He knew that I wanted to give up and beg him just to get a sound job somewhere and give back the money we’ve raised and live a simple life. He didn’t preach at me or try to talk me into faith. He was just with me.

  #3 I told myself a hundred times that there was nothing worth giving up on this. I have wanted to be a missionary since I was eleven years old. That has given me 21 years to work up a nice fantasy of what it would be like to go to the mission field. The past few months have been a slap in the face eye opener into reality….and we’re not even on the field yet. Today at training they told us that fundraising would probably be the hardest thing we have to do in our career as a missionary and I was like, “Thank you God!” But when I stop and think about not going back to Guatemala, trading it in for a “sound job” for Blake, or looking for a pastoral position somewhere in the states, or even looking for a paying position out of the country….it just feels 100% wrong. My heart is in Guatemala. My passion lines up with Students International and their vision. My purpose is tied to specific people and needs that I won’t come across if I give up. A stomach virus isn’t going to steal this from me. Slow going fundraising isn’t going to erase God’s plan. And difficult days aren’t going to change our destination.

  Across the row from us on the plane was a lady with her husband and son. Her hair appeared to just be growing back from chemo so at the end of the flight I asked her if she was battling cancer. She said that she was, so we had the opportunity to tell her that we were both cancer survivors. She told us that she had looked over at us earlier on the flight and thought to herself, “They are so lucky that they don’t have to deal with cancer.”

  It got me to thinking about how we are so quick to get wrapped up in our own problems and suffering and feel that everyone else has it so easy. None of us have it easy. We all have days we just want to cry and give up, and we all have deep down rock solid reasons why it would never, ever be worth it to give up. So wherever you are tonight, no matter how bleak life feels. Don’t give up. It’s going to get better.

  • 2:10 am
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