January 7, 2013

• It’s Hard but He’s Faithful

  You know when you go on vacation and you have everything stuffed in suitcases and you spend the week digging through them looking for things….constantly? But it’s okay because you’re on vacation and in a few days you’ll be back in your own home with all of your things put away? Back in your own bed? Taking a shower in your own shower? Cooking in your own kitchen? Putting the kids to bed and watching tv with just your husband in your own living room?

  It started sinking in yesterday that I am not going home. That I won’t be sleeping in my own bed ever again…it’s sold. That my next “own shower” will be in Guatemala and hot water will be hit or miss. That it won’t just be our family in our own house for two to three more months and even then it won’t feel like home for a quite awhile. I am having a little bit of a hard time with that.

  We visited a church today. One that Blake and I worked in when we were 17-19. The pastor married us 12 years ago and was all excited to see us, and told the church our entire life story and acted like a proud papa. But he said something that got me a little mixed up inside. He told the congregation, “They aren’t here for money. They are just here to spend the morning with us.” This church is planning to support us monthly although they haven’t decided how much, so maybe that’s why he said that….because they had already decided to support us before we told them we were coming to visit. But it still made me question this season because the fact is January and February have two purposes: our trainings we are attending and …..well asking for money. i.e.. fundraising. It brings me to this question Blake and I have wrestled with almost constantly: how much do we actively come straight out and let people know our financial needs and how much do we just sit back and let God bring the funds to us. Fundraising for a cause is tough….like when we fundraised for our adoption. Fundraising to support your family is raw and vulnerable and scary. It just is.

  It’s after 2am and I’m awake on an air mattress with Hope holding the trash can for her every half hour while she dry heaves her empty stomach. She has a virus that has been going around. And she is letting out some gas that could melt the paint off the wall. I don’t know how Camden and Blake can sleep through the smell. It’s that bad. Blake and I leave in 3 days…I guess you could say 2 now, to fly to California for new staff training. We will be staying with one of the Students International’s board members in their home. Please, please, PLEASE pray that we aren’t throwing up in the plane or in a stranger’s home. I would hate to be putting off the smell Hope is, on an air compressed plane. Good grief. I can’t even fathom the humiliation.

  I talked to a new SI missionary when we visited Guatemala in August and she talked about some of her “Joshua stones”. When the Israelites and Joshua experienced a time of deliverance or provision from God, they set up a stone and named the place so that they could always remember the faithfulness of God. We have had some Joshua stones. And we will have more. Because deep under all of these emotions, and questions, and not fun things is a knowing that we have set out on a journey that will test the faithfulness of God. And Jehovah God is faithful. Always faithful.

  • 3:25 am
  • 1 Comment