September 26, 2012

• Camden is 10!

                     
                                   

  Double Digits. Pre-teen. Only 8 more years at home.
  He is still my baby. Doesn’t just sit beside me, but sits half on me. Begs me to lay in bed with him and get as close as I can get. There is so much I want for him; so many dreams, but God always whispers the same thing: “Let him be Camden.”

    

  We missed his actual birthday this year. Blake and I were in Guatemala. Usually when we are away from the kids I don’t think about them too much. I know that sounds bad. But I trust their grandparents, and I enjoy a little break here and there since I am with them every day all day long. But in Guatemala, especially on his birthday, I thought of Camden and Hope constantly. I have moments where I wonder if I am being completely ignorant taking my children to live in a country that is beautiful and filled with amazing people, but also known for its violence. I know God loves my children more than I do, but I also know that He often doesn’t choose what I would choose. And oh how I want the power to choose. I want to choose for them to work hard in school, have good manners, and be obvious about their love for Jesus so everyone knows what a good job we are doing. I want them to look cute, and be brave and a little bit risky, but never get hurt. I want them to be hilarious at all the right times, and impressively serious when the time calls for it. And God whispers again: “Let them be Camden (and Hope).”

  

  As I was lying in bed with Camden a couple of nights after his birthday, I asked Him what he wanted for himself this year. (of course I had to explain that I didn’t mean material possessions) He thought for a while and then he said, “I want to learn how to really stop and think about what will happen if I do things and not just do them without thinking.” I wanted to squeeze him. I did squeeze him.

   

  Blake and I are going to need SO much wisdom parenting him this coming year. I can’t even imagine how he will adjust moving to Guatemala. He loves Brownsville, and feels very comfortable here. One night when he was having a particularly hard time with the thought of moving, my heart was just bleeding. I just felt terrible for bringing this pain to our little boy. I begged God to tell me what to do to make it better, and He spoke to me that there was nothing I could do. Camden was only going to be able to get peace from Him. After we hugged him and prayed for him, we left his room, but I knew we weren’t leaving him in there on his own. I am confident that when we left, God showed up.

           

  And somehow in a way that only God can, He began to bring peace to Camden’s heart. He is doing so much better than he was. He has even had times of undeniable excitement and I am overwhelmed because I know that it was God. And that it was something personal between Camden and Him. It had nothing to do with me. As a mommy I want to control everything, but I know that I would just make a mess. I make little messes every day when my parenting turns to controlling instead of just being an instrument in God’s hand for Him to use when and how He wants.

  

  So we will sell this precious 10 year old boy’s house, and his bed, and most of his toys. We will take him from his friends, his church, his soccer team, and his dog. And we will bring him with us to a country that looks different, sounds different, and feels different. But there is one thing that will stay the same.
  When we tell him goodnight and close the door of his bedroom in Guatemala….
  God will show up to meet him.

                   

  Happy 10th birthday Camden Bailey.

  • 1:41 am
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