June 12, 2012

• Therapeutic Writing

  I am going to repeat information in this blog. If you are a regular reader please forgive me. We finished our adoption paperwork process and our dossier (paperwork) arrived in Ethiopia on Feb. 25, 2011. We were requesting a child 0-24 months. In November 2011, when we realized that there were many more families waiting for babies than there were babies that were ready to be adopted, we opened our age range up to 6 years old. In the months before we opened our age range up to 6 years, there were several 5-6 year old referred. When we changed our age range we were #1 for a child 4-6 years old which meant that we would get the first 4-6 year old that became available. From November until now (7 months) there have been no children this age referred. At the same time there have been families ahead of us that widened their age range as well, which actually means we have moved down the list instead of up. Then about six weeks ago, we found out that Ethiopia had changed some of their guidelines and because Blake and I both have histories of cancer that we might not be able to adopt from there at all. I can’t explain in a small amount of words what that felt like except to say that it felt PERSONAL. The devil was fighting dirty now. Within a couple of weeks our agency told us that we should act as if this new policy would not affect us because they felt quite positive that it would  not. We were relieved, and at the same time felt like this “scare” was a sign that we were nearing the finish line. It was like it was a last ditch effort on the part of Satan. However, the finish line still appeared to be a long way off.

  Then three weeks ago, I got on our agency’s waiting child list and looked over the pictures. There was a little boy that had been on there for 2-3 months and we thought he was cute from day 1. He was right around the age of Camden. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, the possibility of us adopting him hit me. I let it go, and got off the computer. I picked up a book I had been reading, opened it up and on the first page I read these verses from James 2.

  What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food.  If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷ In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

  I felt God say to me, “You started this process to meet a need. He has a need for a family. You are a family waiting for a child. Why wait for a little child with a line of others families willing to adopt little children while he waits for a family?”

  I called Blake at work and asked him to take a minute to open up “S’s” picture and pray. He called me a half an hour later and said. “Let’s pursue him. As soon as I opened up his picture I got emotional. I believe God wants us to go after this.”

  So for the past three weeks we have been planning to bring this little boy home. We have sensed God confirm Himself over and over to us. We talk about him constantly. His picture is on our fridge and on the wall paper of our phones. We pulled out some of Camden’s clothes that were too small and put them in an empty drawer. We have been reading books and taking an online class on adopting an older child.

  From day one, our social worker was hesitant and told us she would not make a decision until she came for her visit which was scheduled for Fri. the 8th of June. She wasn’t happy with the idea of “artificially twinning” Camden. But we didn’t take her too seriously. I mean come on, everybody everywhere in the adoption community is always encouraging families to open their hearts to older children or special needs. Who would ever say no to a family that DID open their hearts. Friday the 8th came and we had an intense and exhausting meeting with our social worker. She gave us all her concerns and all the worst case scenarios. We had a response for everything. We stayed stubbornly certain. At the end of the meeting Blake told her, “We appreciate your experience. We appreciate your concerns and your desire to prepare us, but higher than anything here is the assurance that we KNOW that God is calling us to be this little boy’s family.” Right before I dropped her off she told us that she would approve us to adopt him. We knew that until we actually saw that approval email go through we weren’t completely in the clear, but once again – we knew that we knew this was our little boy.

  We were excited. We told the kids and our parents. We went shopping for him on Saturday and bought him several things to send him in his first care package. We started praying for a court date before court closure and imagining our first meeting with him and what it would be like to bring him home.

  Then yesterday we emailed back and forth with our social worker all throughout the day, and at 6pm she sent an email with a final answer. She decided she would NOT approve us to adopt him. She wants us to adopt a child younger than Hope.

  We feel sick. We feel angry. I’ve been awake since 6am wrestling with God. For now this is what I feel Him reminding me. That His mercies are new every morning. I trust that God spoke to us. I trust that if our social worker had let us bring home “S” we would have known that we knew that we knew that he was exactly who God had for us. I believe that we CAN hear God and that we did! But like I’ve (controversially) stated in the past I think that many things happen in this world that are NOT God’s will. Children becoming orphans ia NOT God’s will. Cancer is NOT God’s will. Miscarriage is NOT God’s will. We live in a world that God given fallen man to govern and a world that Satan has been named “prince”. But what I believe just as strongly is that God is still very much involved. Sometime He steps in and does miracles, and sometimes He takes the mess and re-writes the story. And that is what I am clinging onto as tightly as my angry, broken heart can hang on to. That God is up there re-writing a new Plan A for our family and for precious “S” with the big brown eyes and beautiful smile. I believe that when we FINALLY  bring home a child we will know that we know that we know that THIS was the child God had for us,
  but for the record….not for even a second will I ever believe that “S” was the wrong child for us. He will always be a little bit mine.

  Please pray for “S” that the next Plan A works out for him. His Plan A has been messed up by this fallen world more times than a child should ever have to endure. Pray your heart out for 2 minutes for me that God will choose to exercise His sovereignty and do a miracle in His life. I’m still crying out for God to show me why He didn’t step out this time, but my heart is at peace that He WILL step out eventually. Because my God is victorious. And He has the last say.

  “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.“ Lamentations 3:22-23

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