September 23, 2011

• Guilty

                                           

   Nothing in the world feels worse than being judged. I remind myself often enough that there will always be people that don’t “get me” or that disagree with me or might even just flat out not like me. I tell myself that I am okay with that. I try to prepare myself….  And then I find out that it is, in fact, a reality and for a little bit my heart is shattered. I wonder what to do with all these emotions that feel like waves of rejection that threaten to pull me under. Satan smearing it in my face: words spoken, wrong perceptions, mixed in with a lot of presumptions on my part; causing me to doubt my identity and distrust the people God has placed in my life. I told Blake the other day that I think the Devil has this plan for today’s generation of young adults: for the men it is an addiction to video games, for women its an addiction of insecurity that results in us turning against and judging each other.

  The other night I had just got finished talking to Blake about how I am fed up with women judging each other! I told him that something HAS to be done so that we as women believe in each other again and support each other although we each live VERY different lives. We need to trust that the same God that has given us a unique word on how to live our lives is also speaking to our girlfriends. His purpose is specific and original for each of His children! Only He knows our future and the results that each of our decisions will have. Moments after venting about this very thing, I found myself asking Blake “why in the world would “so and so” do “such and such?!”

  He smirked and said, “Why in the world would the Davis’ undertake a $30,000 adoption when there is no way they can afford it?” Thank you God for my husband who has such a merciful way of putting me in my place.

  I am down here in the mess with everyone else. I am guilty. Even if I wasn’t, wouldn’t it be judging just to point out that others are judging?

  A few days ago a facebook friend posted a status telling about how her son had said to her, “I am so glad that I don’t go to private school or homeschool because then who would tell my friends about Jesus?”

  Now if my insecurity was in check I would have said, “What an amazing little boy! God must have an incredible calling on his life.” But instead I let it eat at me. “Do people think that my kids are less Christian because they homeschool?” “ARE my kids less Christian because they homeschool?” “Does she think she’s better than me because she’s made the choice to send her kids to public school?” Ughhh… This kind of stuff steals our joy and sucks out the vivaciousness that is in all of us. It also destroys the sisterhood that God wants to bless each of us with in a bigger than we can imagine way. I think its time that we take back the gift of sisterhood that the devil has stolen from us!

   I’m making a personal decision to use all this yuck for good. I’m going to ask God to use all MY yuck for good.  I’m declaring it! I want to be purged. I want to spiritually vomit the insecurity. I want to spiritually vomit the prideful need to justify and defend my choices and my calling. I want to spiritually vomit the feeling of competition and the desire for others to think of me as a good mom and wife and spiritual person. (If I end up with a stomach virus, then I guess I asked for it…..)

  Lets be honest with ourselves about our insecurities, and lets be confident that #1 We have heard from God on the way we are living our life and He is the only One who’s opinion matters and #2 Our job is to love our sisters in Christ and not to judge them.

  Who’s going to try to climb out of this mess with me?

  • 6:31 pm
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